Holding My Heart

Blogging…there is just never enough time to do it anymore. When I do sit down to write it’s difficult to get my thoughts all in one place to create a post worth….posting. I tend to ramble and I cannot stay focused on one subject; I hate that.

During the last couple months I have met a few different men, a couple of which I kissed (one was bad one was nice). There have been moments after the fact when I felt some sort of regret, as though I’ve betrayed the man that I truly care about, but why? I am in love with a man, one who I would commit to indefinitely if he asked me to, but I cannot stop the rest of my life wishing that he would wake up and realize how amazing and wonderful we are together. With all due respect I think that I owe it to myself to be open to what else is out there and this is how I do it. I am looking for something, something that is good and wonderful and the more I look the more I realize how hard it is to find someone who makes me feel like this (read below).

I remember the first moment I saw him Mr. Z (and really could I give him a name here? Let’s do that now; we’ll call him Mr.Z, or Z….moving forward). It was incredible really. He walked into the coffee shop, knew a friend of mine, and from that moment my mind was made up; I wanted him. He was absolutely the cutest guy I had ever met; he was funny, talkative, sweet, AND smart. Oh the brainy ones really get my blood pumping! Over the next couple weeks he suddenly started popping up every time I was in the shop and eventually he and I started what might be the most significant relationship of my adult life. Later I would find out that he had seen me through the window before and when he recognized my friend he knew it was the perfect opportunity to make his move. For a while we would just visit over coffee, usually our mutual friend was there, and after a bit we began to spend time together other places. Mr. Z became my best friend, someone who lifted me up and made me a better person. Our relationship has been rocky emotionally but when it comes to our friendship we have never wavered. In fact, since our last breakup we have grown closer than ever.

It is a rare day that you fall in love with someone you can truly call your best friend and every man that I meet has to live up to that. I have learned that I do not want to go through life with someone that doesn’t make me feel this way. It isn’t about butterflies but about warmth, a glowing feeling that penetrates my entire being. And with that warmth comes this passion, a passion I cannot find words to describe. Over two years and throughout many ups and downs the passion continues to build. Just holding his hand warms me. Seeing him smile, hearing his voice, listening to his worries and fears it all adds to a passion that is much more than sex, an emotional passion…and yeah the sex is fabulous too. We seem to be made to fit together in every way.

I say all this about a man that I am not with. About a man who does not have the courage to admit what is real. I am not what he ever expected, I am not what he planned on, I am not a piece that can fit into the mold of what he thought he wanted. Because of these things he cannot let me in but he cannot let me go and both of these are breaking my heart. I am healing but I still love him more every day. I have begun to open my eyes to other people but none of them give me even an inkling of what I felt that first moment I saw him. I am trying the best that I know how.