You Gotta See It To Believe It

It is near impossible to meet a man in this state that is secure enough in his own shoes; one that doesn’t hide behind a religion even though he hasn’t practiced what he preached in years.

When I hit about 21 I thought I would eventually go back to “The Church”. For those not in the know around these parts there is only one religion (the correct answer is “The Mormons”)….the rest of us will burn (exaggeration???). It never really occurred to me that I would not go just because I didn’t think it was really the only “true” religion. Next thing you know I’m getting divorced and, in an attempt to find happiness, I attended a few meetings. Is it bad when your skin crawls walking into a silly little building? Well, that is how I felt. I thought about all my feelings and by the time I turned 23 I knew that I didn’t want to be a part of this church. More accurately I admitted what I had felt for a long time…it didn’t feel right and I didn’t believe it, not even a teeny tiny little itsy bit. Coming to terms with this lightened my load...until I realized that every man I dated fell into the category of “Jack Mormon” (a person who says they are Mormon and "knows The Church is true" but doesn’t actually live by any of the standards that the LDS church requires. Including but not limited to, drinking alcohol, smoking tobacco…or anything of that sort, drinking coffee, having pre-marital sex....). For years now all but one of the men I’ve dated has been a “Jack”. The most common excuse I hear for their behavior is that they are “just having fun”. Mormons believe that they can repent of their sins and not be held accountable once they have been forgiven (obviously it is more complicated than I am making it sound but you get the idea). These men want to have “fun” with me, and who can blame them! I’m a fun girl! But at the end of the day all they really want is fun. I won’t fit in the Utah cookie cutter mold no matter how hard you try and so I’m destined to be single for how long?

But I don’t want this to be about how I can’t get a date. This is about how sad I feel for all these men I know who are so afraid to be themselves that they can’t squeeze OUT of the cookie cutter. And most of them are amazing men at that. Men that I would otherwise admire. Men who have and will hurt me because I am not ashamed of my beliefs, or lack of. I’ll never have to make excuses for why I’m doing what I’m doing with my life, to some random church leader no less, and I will probably scare more than one more guy away because it has to be intimidating to be with a woman who knows her own heart and is not afraid to stand by it.

I'd rather be fearless and single than bullied into a religious corner and in a relationship. *shrug* and for the record...it's a good thing there are no men around because right now that is the LAST thing I need, or want. I have enough issues thankyouverymuch

The Inevitable

I’m incredibly sick right now I just want to curl up and die. Or cry. Or both. There isn’t much I can do about it other than ride it out. It’s hard physically but more than anything it sends my emotions all out of wack. I’m just not able to cope with anything while I’m sick. I’m working two jobs now so it’s just……SO MUCH..... when I’m sick and upset on top of it.

Things fell apart again. I don’t suppose it should have come as that much of a surprise this time around (and only two weeks after defending my decisions to my friends...though I suppose I wouldn't change my opinion, just because he's fucked up in the brain doesn't mean he didn't care). Everything was fine, amazing really. Too amazing? Not nearly as amazing as I thought? Who knows. I’m angry that he handled it the way he has. He’s hurt me which is something that he always tried his hardest to avoid in the past. I guess someone really has to be an ass hole to make it easy to turn away for good. I have a million questions that I won’t ever have an answer to and I’m just trying to learn how to let them go. They really aren’t all that important anyway. It doesn’t make the tears go away but I guess we just learn how to cope in any way that we can.

But.....the tears don’t just go away because you know that in 3 months you’ll be happy again. So I’m juggling work, tears, more work, and tears while I try to sleep. That’s life right now and I just wish I could fast forward to the part where I’m grateful I am no longer stuck in a dead end relationship with someone who doesn’t love me because my religious and political beliefs don’t go hand in hand with his.

Workness

I scored 100% on my audit. Well this one anyway. In the accounting world this is a big contributor to our yearly increase/bonus. So that's what I've been doing the past two weeks.