Moving On - My Own Choice

It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but, I know that it was the right thing for me and I know that I was finally ready. Ready to accept. Ready to move on. It’s hard to admit that someone doesn’t deserve your love. To say that, although they make you happier than you ever imagined being, this happiness isn’t forever and, when you truly think about it, that happiness comes at a price because loving him caused my heart to break every day.

The last month has been miserable for us. The emotions have been overwhelming me and the last week has been particularly difficult. I used to be able to ignore the reminders of the future we wouldn’t have together, for one reason or another, and we always had such a wonderful time together. It hasn’t been so easy lately. I spend every day wondering what it would be like. Could I relax and enjoy the time I got with him?

I couldn’t keep wasting my time on a wish. In my heart I knew that, although we still went through the motions, we were never going to work out; if only because he had made his mind up about it long ago. For weeks I was sick inside just thinking about him. I just waited and waited for him to tell me that it was REALLY over and then actually follow through. Finally I asked myself why I was waiting for him to do the dirty work. I realized that he would probably keep me around until there was someone else and that final breakup would break my heart with an intensity that even I could not handle. "It is better to leave with my pride", I thought. And that is what I did.

It hurts, knowing that there will never be one MORE last night. I’ve had my “last night” more times than I can remember. I have prepared myself for this for such a long time and now that it is here I feel numb. It wasn’t like the other break ups when I cried hysterically and thought that I would never be happy again. No, this time I look forward to moving on in my life. For 2 years now I’ve wanted one person. I’ve done everything I could to show this man how much I loved him and how happy we were together. He never opened his eyes enough to see what I saw and all that energy was wasted. Perhaps I shouldn’t say wasted because I enjoyed our time together so much. HE is an amazing catch, if not a little loaded down with baggage. He is a good person and that is what counts.

I’m still amazed that I found the strength to admit for both of us that I could not continue doing this any longer. I will miss him but I know I did the right thing and I’ve finally allowed us BOTH to walk free. My step is lighter now but I feel that it comes from the emptiness in my heart. I could have spent my life with this person. Now I need to start over.....again.

Would You Like To Cuddle With A Snot Rag?

I’m tired I’m sick. I’ve been sitting at my desk for 9 hours with my shoulders hunched up staring at my computer screen and wondering if maybe by hour 10 I’ll start working on these massive piles of work that adorn my desk. Sure, I’ve sent some emails today but I don’t know if that can be compared to REAL work. I don’t feel bad or guilty as much as I feel sad because this means that I’ll be here until midnight working on things that I should have done earlier in the day. In my defense I could have worked all day long and still had something to do at the end of the day, but, I digress.

I guess after this week…and last week…I should be thankful that I still have a job. If the IT department at my company decided to look up my internet history (which I assume they do on a semi regular basis) they would see hours of one website, be it LiveJournal, Wikipedia, Facebook, or, as it was today, Dooce. I’m reading all the blogs I never read. I’m clicking on all the links that show me oodles and oodles of pictures of babies and Chuck. I’m memorizing every word because….well because I’m sick and I’m angry that I can’t take these days off of work and I’M SICK!!! “I shouldn’t have to be here” I complain to myself. But I do have to be here…because I have work to do. But…but but but I’m not doing that work, or not very well, and though I blame it on the sickness the truth is I’d be really pissed off at myself this week.

I wonder if it is because I’m really angry at the raise I never get or if it is because I feel very petty when I think about the perks OTHER people at this company have available to them. Perks such as annual raises and quarterly bonus’s and weeks where they work on projects they actually care about. The past month I’ve slowly but surely lost any affection I ever felt towards this position and now I’m the bitter old hag who complains about work she lacks the motivation to start. I’m terrible. I fantasize about quitting and moving to San Francisco on an almost daily basis. I know that if I lived in San Francisco my job would be great and I probably wouldn’t have a cold that is now going on a week (with no sign of backing down).

Yeah, a week straight of LITERALLY not being able to push any air out of my nose unless some sort of mucus comes out first. If you are wondering how much mucus there is that drains out of my nose I’ll just share this little tid bit with you; I woke up this morning with tissue stuffed up each nostril (I did that in my sleep, now that is talent) and when I made my bed before work I found more than a dozen waded up pieces of tissue hiding beneath my covers and pillows (of which there are many). IN MY SLEEP!!!

I just erased 20 of my 29 voicemails and I’m hoping that the satisfaction I got from hitting the delete button so many times in a row, knowing full well that I hadn’t listened to a single word on any of those messages, keeps me sane enough to push through a few more hours of this place…and actually do real work. Real work that does not include Dooce archives.

Now I need a cherry coke (thank you God)

*Missing Text*

I get into this self deprecation slump when I’m stressed/depressed and this week is no different. It doesn’t help that my hair is chronically limp and desperately in need of some color. My skin hasn’t seen the sun in ages because God is punishing me with SNOW IN MAY (see blurbomat if you don’t know what the weather in Utah has been like this year.).. The only upside to being sick is that I don’t eat so I feel like I’m skinnier. Sick but true. Other than that there are no benefits to teh sickness. I can’t do yoga because…well have you ever tried deep breathing while sick? Not to mention that you need to deep breathe through a nose which is something on my body that is currently functioning like a rock. No, I mean a real rock. One with no holes to breathe out of.

Working is nearly out of the question and not because I don’t feel well enough to come into the office (for the record, I don’t, but I have to). My head is one big fuzzy mess. I don’t know how I’m supposed to concentrate on anything feeling this way. I’m also pre-occupied with all of the other shit going down. Like my mom going missing. Tearful phone calls, missed work, and now no one knows where she is. My dad doesn’t call me during times like this because I say, “Maybe she’s taking a nap or not answering the phone because she’s stressed” and that is what he doesn't want to hear. But that's all I have to say....Because I get her. I get the need to run away. Sure people get worried but if they had paid any attention over the last 28 years they would have noticed that she does this…a lot. When I was a kid it upset me but not anymore. How can I get upset when I do the exact.same.thing! Sometimes you just need to get away and my mom and I, well, we have a tendency to follow through on that need. *shrug* Not saying that it is the right way to cope but it is our way.

Mostly this week has been a big let down. The last 3 weeks really. More stress than I feel up to dealing with and I kind of just want to tell the whole world to Fuck off. Anyone know a guy who is turned on by a grouchy girl with a runny nose? Send em my way. Wait, nix that. I'm so sick of men in general right now.

*Sniff*

I’m horrendously sick at the moment. It feels like a very long moment. If I wanted to make a bet on how many tissues I’d go through today…and my guess was somewhere in the range of 3-4 BOXES then I would have still come in short. The problem with being sick is that I LIKE to complain about it. I’m miserable sure but today I can bitch and moan cause WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT? That’s what I thought. By the time I got around to finishing this paragraph it is so bad that I literally can’t even sniff. I choke when I talk because I can’t blow my nose. I’M MISERABLE.

And of course my concerns are with a project I have to work on. One that makes me cry. From sadness. And I wonder when I will be able to let go of my childish sibling rivalry and learn to be comfortable with who I am and what I am capable of? I could go on but I’m so stressed out (AND SICK) right now that I could cry. Tea please!