You Gotta See It To Believe It

It is near impossible to meet a man in this state that is secure enough in his own shoes; one that doesn’t hide behind a religion even though he hasn’t practiced what he preached in years.

When I hit about 21 I thought I would eventually go back to “The Church”. For those not in the know around these parts there is only one religion (the correct answer is “The Mormons”)….the rest of us will burn (exaggeration???). It never really occurred to me that I would not go just because I didn’t think it was really the only “true” religion. Next thing you know I’m getting divorced and, in an attempt to find happiness, I attended a few meetings. Is it bad when your skin crawls walking into a silly little building? Well, that is how I felt. I thought about all my feelings and by the time I turned 23 I knew that I didn’t want to be a part of this church. More accurately I admitted what I had felt for a long time…it didn’t feel right and I didn’t believe it, not even a teeny tiny little itsy bit. Coming to terms with this lightened my load...until I realized that every man I dated fell into the category of “Jack Mormon” (a person who says they are Mormon and "knows The Church is true" but doesn’t actually live by any of the standards that the LDS church requires. Including but not limited to, drinking alcohol, smoking tobacco…or anything of that sort, drinking coffee, having pre-marital sex....). For years now all but one of the men I’ve dated has been a “Jack”. The most common excuse I hear for their behavior is that they are “just having fun”. Mormons believe that they can repent of their sins and not be held accountable once they have been forgiven (obviously it is more complicated than I am making it sound but you get the idea). These men want to have “fun” with me, and who can blame them! I’m a fun girl! But at the end of the day all they really want is fun. I won’t fit in the Utah cookie cutter mold no matter how hard you try and so I’m destined to be single for how long?

But I don’t want this to be about how I can’t get a date. This is about how sad I feel for all these men I know who are so afraid to be themselves that they can’t squeeze OUT of the cookie cutter. And most of them are amazing men at that. Men that I would otherwise admire. Men who have and will hurt me because I am not ashamed of my beliefs, or lack of. I’ll never have to make excuses for why I’m doing what I’m doing with my life, to some random church leader no less, and I will probably scare more than one more guy away because it has to be intimidating to be with a woman who knows her own heart and is not afraid to stand by it.

I'd rather be fearless and single than bullied into a religious corner and in a relationship. *shrug* and for the record...it's a good thing there are no men around because right now that is the LAST thing I need, or want. I have enough issues thankyouverymuch

The Inevitable

I’m incredibly sick right now I just want to curl up and die. Or cry. Or both. There isn’t much I can do about it other than ride it out. It’s hard physically but more than anything it sends my emotions all out of wack. I’m just not able to cope with anything while I’m sick. I’m working two jobs now so it’s just……SO MUCH..... when I’m sick and upset on top of it.

Things fell apart again. I don’t suppose it should have come as that much of a surprise this time around (and only two weeks after defending my decisions to my friends...though I suppose I wouldn't change my opinion, just because he's fucked up in the brain doesn't mean he didn't care). Everything was fine, amazing really. Too amazing? Not nearly as amazing as I thought? Who knows. I’m angry that he handled it the way he has. He’s hurt me which is something that he always tried his hardest to avoid in the past. I guess someone really has to be an ass hole to make it easy to turn away for good. I have a million questions that I won’t ever have an answer to and I’m just trying to learn how to let them go. They really aren’t all that important anyway. It doesn’t make the tears go away but I guess we just learn how to cope in any way that we can.

But.....the tears don’t just go away because you know that in 3 months you’ll be happy again. So I’m juggling work, tears, more work, and tears while I try to sleep. That’s life right now and I just wish I could fast forward to the part where I’m grateful I am no longer stuck in a dead end relationship with someone who doesn’t love me because my religious and political beliefs don’t go hand in hand with his.

Workness

I scored 100% on my audit. Well this one anyway. In the accounting world this is a big contributor to our yearly increase/bonus. So that's what I've been doing the past two weeks.

I Don't Want to Take It

Last night I got into a very heated discussion, concerning my relationship situation, with two very close friends. As the discussion became more of an argument about what I’m doing and who is right about the reality of this “relationship” I slowly became more and more upset ending the entire conversation in tears. I am trying to think openly, trying to understand that they love me and want the best for me, but you don’t make your friends cry! You don’t, I’m sorry. At no point of wanting to help a friend should you grill her until she cries.

I guess I was just a little taken aback when one of my “friends” leaned in and began aggressively telling me that he didn’t care about me. “Mel you don’t he doesn’t care about you right? You know all he wants is sex and he is getting it. He doesn’t even respect you. Do you know that he doesn’t respect you? Are you honestly okay with him not respecting you?”. She put me in tears and I’m struggling to forgive her for her hurtful words. She went beyond a friend trying to help her friend from getting hurt. SHE hurt me. And she is wrong.

When did making someone feel bad about themselves (even in the name of friendship) become a good way to give advice? And when did I even ask for advice? Somehow this whole confrontation became her trying to make me feel that he has degraded me because we are taking things back a step or two. We are not “He’s Just Not That Into You” no matter how hard everyone tries to fit us into that little cookie cutter mold. This is a lot more complicated than that and maybe these friends need to sit down and think about all of their relationships and how nothing is ever just as simple as having feelings and being together. Maybe they should remember how many times they broke up with their boyfriends and then got back together. I feel like that would shut them up for a while.

*Edit to explain: After the work trip thing...and some recent conversations, we are back to the point we were at a year ago; dating, which is more then we have been since the breakup. Hence the onslaught of advice from friends who obviously don't agree with my decision to work things out with him. I guess it just changed from nothing to something (again) so quickly and they can't see that this is what we both want right now.

Seeing Red

I’m can’t deny it to myself any longer; I’m in a bad way financially. I have a lot of excuses. A lot of car repair bills, an ex-husband who fucked me over before our divorce was finalized (note to self: NEVER co-sign even if you love someone), blah blah. Mostly though I’m just stupid. I’m stupid and I spend money when I get depressed. And I’m stupid.

I was walking into work today and I stopped dead in my tracks and said out loud to myself, “you are so fucked. What the fuck were you thinking?!” This is reality. I’ve been living in lala land the last little while, watching my bank account drain completely out every single pay period, not paying anything at all (except for the huge interest payments) on ginormous bills and not putting a single penny into a savings account that will enable me to get back on the road again. This month I sat down and pinched my funds down to a huge negative amount and somehow got my rent paid.

I’ve always said that them most unattractive quality in a man was financial instability. Someone who struggles to pay their bills every month is not what I want. And now, here I am, fully admitting that I’ve done the most pathetic thing ever. I have done so many stupid things with my money that I have slowly dug a hole in my account and I’m not sure how exactly to get out. I know that I can just chip away, slowly, piece by piece, but even that won’t really cover it. I need about 5 grand to fix it all.

I guess this is when I get a second job and work graveyards in addition to my already grueling work hours? Sometimes you just have to suck it up, admit you made a mistake and learn the hard way. Yep, that is me. I am making a promise to myself that when I get this all figured out I will have truly learned my lesson and turn my bank account into what it was 1 year ago. Someday I will be able to buy my designer jeans and expensive shoes again. Someday I will have my shit together.

Someday. Until then I’ll be piss poor and try to be happy with it.

It's the (lack of) Effort

While my long weekend was nice, and most certainly relaxing (can we talk about how I watched Planet Earth all day on Saturday?), it wasn’t exactly what I had planned. I wasn’t going to celebrate Thanksgiving. I was going to get drunk every night. I was going to do my laundry. You know stuff like that. Wednesday night I came home to make a drink and I realized my brand new bottle of vodka was almost gone. Sadly I assumed it must have been me, I had a couple drinks the night before when I bought it so I guess maybe it didn’t go as far as I thought it would? No, my roommate’s boyfriend drank it. Then 15 minutes after the liquor store closed he came home and gave me some cash (not enough) and said he hoped I didn’t mind but that drink hit the spot the night before. So, who drinks all the liquor and then doesn’t say anything until after the stores are all closed for the next 24 hours? Him apparently and there went my plans for the next 3 days.

I got over it and spent a lazy night cuddling on the couch drinking really cheap wine. We slept in Thanksgiving morning curling up together keeping the warmth in and the thought of having to actually get out of bed and shower OUT. Life can be so incredibly perfect when you don’t make any effort at all. I was bribed into a Thanksgiving dinner with promises of MULTIPLE bottles of wine and while I hate the holiday I love the drinking.

We went on a date for the first time in almost a month. It was so nice. He can be so thoughtful (and still be such an idiot at the same time) and I love the nights we have like this, just the two of us. We talked, we laughed, we argued and I still love being with him. When we are curled up in bed whispering to each other and stealing kiss after kiss all the troubles we’ve had just melt away. He’s my best friend. We’re still together because we still want to be with each other. He isn’t sure and I know that. We have our off days and they aren’t easy for me to deal with. But, I love him, and if this break is what he needs then I’ll give it to him. He is the person I want to be with right now and I won’t walk away just because he’s not on the same schedule that I am. I’ll be sad another day I know. I’ll get mad at him. I’ll feel angry for his lack of commitment, I’ll write more posts about what a hard headed fool he is but he is something special to me and he helps me to be a better person on a daily basis. I hope I do the same for him.

Christmas is right around the corner. I hate it, loathe it, and despise it. Don’t even get me started on how incredibly cold it has been here!

I Let The Beast In Too Soon

I wasn't as free as I thought I was. Or as strong as I need to be. I don't know what I want but I'm tired of defending my choices to everyone around me. Maybe when I have to stop finding reasons for staying I'll know if this is really what I want.

Sometimes I am so afraid that I'll never have anything more in my life than this. I don't want to wake up 5 years from now and still be doing the same things I'm doing today. Dating the wrong men, working the "right" job, barely paying the bills, just keeping my head above water (and at the moment "above" isn't even accurate), going through the motions and never reaching for something else. So what do I do when I don't even know what it is that I want?

Stability anyone?

Self Therapy

He’s gone, for now anyway. He is working in what feels like another world and I feel like I can breathe again.

Last night when he left my apartment I sat numbly on the couch wondering how much longer I could love him and be patient while things work themselves out, knowing that in the end it could very well not turn out the way I, obviously, hope it will. I thought about all the time and emotion I’ve given. I thought about the patience I was constantly practicing in this relationship and I felt that all too common feeling come over me. The slightest touch of panic and heavy pressure on my chest making everything in the room seem smaller and more enclosed.

5 beers and 3 shots later I was giving my roommate advice on her crumbling relationship when I realized that I ought to take my own advice. I slept fitfully, waking up often, searching the bed for another body to curl up against. All I could find were over stuffed pillows and layers of Egyptian cotton to smother my sleepy tears in.

When I woke up and drove to work I realized that I wouldn’t have to see him or talk to him for a week and that for the first time in a year and a half I felt free.

I’m trying to learn how to take my own advice because this ISN’T what real relationships are made of; this is what heartache is made of.

*bleh*, or, "I Verbally Threw Up On This Blog Page"

There are moments of perfection.

There are moments of absolute vulnerability.

There are moments of severe depression.

And there are moments of frustration, that lead to depression which in turn leads to vulnerability….and then you forget that there are ever moments of perfection.

I.Try.So.Hard.

I do. And you know at the end of the day I can say that I am a good person; a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, and I’m a damn good “kind of like a girlfriend but we broke up 4 months ago so not really…but kind of” girlfriend. But lately I’m strung so thin by all the obligations my life affords me. I can’t go to see my family without having a full blown anxiety attack. The kind commercials are made of. A little bit of intensity at works gives me a migraine for the next two days that is so bad I am delirious at times. I’m let down by the man I can’t seem to move away from and I burst into tears periodically for the rest of the evening.

To be honest I feel like the pressures I feel from my family, in many different regards, has become too much. It isn’t just what they say about me and my life but the things they do with theirs. When someone makes a certain decision it shouldn’t negatively affect my life the way it has been lately. And, likewise, my decisions shouldn’t negatively affect them. Not these ones at least. Who I choose to date or sleep with, how much money I make, how much I weigh, how late I work, what/where I eat my dinner on Sunday nights, NONE of these things should become the colossal events that they do. But…that is what happens and it means a conversation like this with my father:

Dad: So, have you paid that credit card bill from your car repairs yet?
Mel: Just paying what I can. Not making much of a dent, but, what can you do when things are tight eh?
Dad: Well you just need to get it taken care of.
Mel: I am, I’m doing what I can I said.
Dad: What are those letters from the credit union that came here?
Mel: Just information. Receipts from payments, statements, PAPERS that I keep in a file dad!
Dad: Well you don’t have to get upset with me. We’ll get through this. And when I say we I mean all of us together.
Mel: Okay. Bye.
Dad: Now you’re mad at me! I never can say anything right to you.
Mel: I’m not mad.
Dad: I just can’t deal with this right now! I’ve had a bad day!

Or:

Dad: So when are you bringing John to dinner with your family.
Mel: I’m not.
Dad: Why not?
Mel: Because, I don't want to.
Dad: This always has to be about you doesn’t it? Always about what you want and never worrying about how deeply offended your family feels when you act this way.
Mel: Yep, it is about me. Because if it isn’t about me it is about you and right now I’m more concerned about myself.
………………………

And it just goes like this every time I see them. When I’m don’t come around, when I don’t make that effort I might as well live in a different country for all the effort THEY make. And I’m fine with that. I’m not one of those girls who needs to talk to her mom every day. Not that there is anything wrong with that I just don’t require that every day relationship to keep me going. In fact it is the opposite. I love them more the less I see them. I love them more when I talk to them once a week. I’m not needy emotionally like my siblings and I not only can they not understand that they don’t want to accept it. They choose to be offended by my desire for long distance love. And by long distance I mean long emotionally. I don’t need them to help me make all the decisions in my life and better than that I don’t need them to take everything I do so personally.


It’s just me I'm worried about right now and if I deal with that by pushing people a little farther away then they want to be; OH WELL! They’ll live, and that is what is going to have to happen because I refuse to deal with what feels like bullshit to me right now.

Noon(er)

I had sex on my lunch hour and I’m having a hard time focusing on anything else now. Whoever invented the “Lunch Hour” was a genius. GENIUS!

"Paper Bag" (or Fiona Apple Is Amazing)

I was staring at the sky, just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on, or something like that
I was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality I knew, was a hopeless to be had
But then the dove of hope began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that my chances
Were approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near, so did a weary tear
I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag
Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love
And I went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb
Looking for a little hope
Baby said he couldn't stay, wouldn't put his lips to mine,
And a fail to kiss is a fail to cope
I said, 'Honey, I don't feel so good, don't feel justified
Come on put a little love here in my void,' he said
'It's all in your head,' and I said, 'So's everything'
But he didn't get it I thought he was a man
But he was just a little boy
Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love
Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

A Different Love for our Love Fern

I keep attempting to run a mental check of things I ABSOLUTELYMUSTDOANDCANNOTFORGET to do at work today….but all that pops up is, “write a clever blog, it’s been a while” and so I’m going to attempt it, in between OMFGI’MFREAKINGOUTTHISISTHEMOSTIMPORTANTEMAILEVAH emails, that are really never that important, and not listening to my 7 unread voicemails that have been blinking on my phone for, oh, 2 weeks now. My theory on voicemails is that if you let them sit long enough they will actually answer themselves. So maybe sometime today I’ll go through and read the caller id’s of all these messages and tick them off one by one because I know that whatever they called for has probably been taken care of….and if it hasn’t then I really don’t want to talk to them because there is a problem and it will give them a brain tumor to hear about it. So….I’ve lost my train of thought because I was just interrupted with one of those aforementioned emails. Now I don’t know what (un) witty comment I had to go after my so.


In addition to working I’ve been focusing my energy on certain skills that I feel I need to pay greater attention to. Like growing plants without killing them. I’ve killed one but I bought it at the grocery store so obviously it wasn’t my fault. Now I have a little green plant that is supposed to be easy to take care of. I set it in the window every other day so it gets more light than my kitchen offers. I come home every day and have a little chat with it, I ask it how its day was and if it is feeling well because to be honest its coloring isn’t all that green…more yellow-like. He never responds, I think he’s angry that I haven’t given him a name. He must feel the dead energy of all the plants that have been in this pot before him. One might say that I don’t have much of a green thumb but I can’t let that stop me. My goal is to have more plants alive than my ex boyfriend. The fact that he has more success with his little plant than I do with mine is frustrating. I keep waiting for it to die because I gave it to him (death by association). But it doesn’t. Every morning he opens the windows so the light pours over her and when I’m visiting I cut off the old yellow ones so she looks pretty. He just has a way with plants I guess, he’s very attentive. He has a way with everything I suppose. In every way that I am lacking he excels. Then again I don’t know if I could live my life stressing over how perfect I need to be. It would make me tired. For every night that I work late he works later. My one up on him is that I have fewer vices…and I don’t feel guilty over any of the ones I do have.

I’ll go ahead and end now before this becomes a post about all the things he does that I hate…or love. Or love to hate. Or maybe hate to love. You get the idea.

So much for my clever blog. I’ll work on something with more of a point for next time.

Something Corporate

Listen, I don't care who you are or what you do we all have to agree that corporate politics are Bull Shit. You can be the fucking CEO of a corporation and you STILL have to admit it. Everything about "Corporate" is Bull Shit. Upper Managment? Yeah, you got it, Bull Shit.

I'll elaborate on this subject more at a later date...when I'm not working overtime.

WHO SAYS THAT???!!!???!!! (or "Are we in Jr. High again?)

What do you do when someone, who never previously expressed his feelings for you ,even after 13 months of dating, exclaims that he “still has feelings for you”?

First of all…WHO SAYS THAT? Yeah I wanna know. Who just expresses their feelings in such a way? And if he has these feelings why is he not doing something about them? Because you KNOW we’re still in that nowhere and nothing place that we’ve been for, oh, ages now.

Second of all…WHO SAYS THAT??? You want a girl to get over you and so you tell her the one thing she has been wanting/needing/dying to hear for over a year? That makes no sense. I’m sorry but it doesn’t.

Are you kidding me right now? Tell me you’re kidding, because this can’t be real. *rolls eyes*

No Title

I'm struggling to get through these days. I'm trying to make things work out but I don't really have much to work with. Some of us have a harder time pulling out than others. I'm just waiting and hoping for a brighter day where I'm not trying so hard with nothing to show for it. And maybe one where I'm not so alone; emotionally, physically, well in every way.

We all have our struggles. I do my best but lately my best isn't nearly even good enough.

*new layout....I'm liking it although I was sad to see the green go

The Line

I don’t have much to say. I have a lot on my mind but I don’t even understand it all and there is only so much you can say about being confused. Ya know? I guess things just need time to take their place right now.

I’ve been having a difficult time sorting out my “beliefs”. Not religion per se but just what I believe is right and what I believe is wrong and where the line is drawn. Just the fact that I do believe there is a right and a wrong is hard for me to handle. I’m open to a lot of ideas but certain events have put a bitter taste in my mouth when it comes to decisions and our reasoning for making these decisions. When someone does something that hurts so many people can they really say, “I know I make mistakes but you don’t understand me so how can you judge me”? I’m sort of feeling like, yes, yes I can judge you. You ruined the lives and hearts of more than one person; even if you have your reasons you should have thought about how your actions would hurt everyone and chosen not to do that thing. If we did every little thing that we wanted to do, regardless of how it would effect others, then this world would be a very sick and corrupted place. When the consequence is so magnificent you need to consider putting the lives of 20 people above your desires.

But that is me, being judgmental, and I hate it. This is where I’m at right now.

What You Get

If someone threatens to get in a fight with me are they really that surprised when I ask about the make up sex we'll need to have after? Does it get any better than that? I don't think so.

Strange Thoughts

It is a strange thing to watch people you love suffer. I don’t mean to be disrespectful but it truly is STRANGE to watch them handle the pain they are going through. In their quest to know WHY someone hurt them they practically beg for more pain. It is also very strange to me that people who have been hurt will hurt others who are innocent to make themselves feel better. I have been observing all week, experiencing emotions that are difficult, and yet I have found a moment to get a bit of laughter out of it all. Perhaps it is my strange way of dealing with the trauma.

Recent events have made me very grateful for my reactions to similar situations when I was faced with them. I know that I have made a lot of mistakes. I know that I have said and done things that I am not proud of but I feel that I have always been honest to myself and to those around me. I have never tried to manipulate others to make my pain go away. More than that I am so grateful that I have always listened to my heart and avoided hurting the people around me because I was selfish.

I know none of this really makes much sense. I know that it isn’t thoughtful or funny, it isn’t quirky or random, it just IS. Sometimes life ruins blogging. Sometimes life comes along and you can’t do anything but write what is on your mind….and I don’t know about you but I tend to write very cryptically because, well, I already know what’s going on and I don’t need to explain it again…to myself.

How Much It Hurts

The boat has been rocked; again and again. There is no end to hurting. People can be so disgustingly selfish and I am ashamed that everyone around me continues to spout out lies, puking out obscenities pretending that it is all going to be okay. Knowing the things we are capable of has turned my stomach inside out. I want to vomit all this knowledge out and flush it away. I don’t want to remember what it is like to be hurt and I don’t want to watch as the dominoes tumble down around me, crushing the lives of every person that I love in this world.

If they knew, if they had known what would happen when it came crashing down would they have still done this? They had to have known what consequences their actions would have, yet they continued regardless. Not thinking of anyone else but themselves.

I got caught in the middle of everything. People are questioning my loyalty and honesty. “I’M NOT LIKE YOU!” I want to scream. I don’t change my stories at the blink of an eye. I don’t lie to the people I love, and I don’t want to choose who I think is more wrong. They are all wrong. I cannot wash my hands of this, these waves will continue despite what I say or do, I am nothing in all of this yet I am affected greatly.

I spent the night crying in the arms of the man that I love; I know it wasn’t easy for him to be there for me, not while we have trials of our own to work out. I cried for them, and I cried for myself. I cried for my own selfishness, for the fact that I was concerned with my own anguish when I should be crying for others. I cried for two small people whose lives will never again be the same. I cried with shame that someone I loved, and still love, could make such a choice knowing how it would ruin the lives of the people she claimed to care about.

I am sick because of this.

How I Work It....

Me: I’m borrowing your pen *flirty smile*
Bar guy: Okay but you better bring it back. You have no idea how many pens of mine get stolen.
Me: And if I don’t?
Bar guy: I’ll have to hunt you down and get it back.
Me: Alright well then I guess I’ll be seeing you later *wink*

The only thing that would have made this moment better would be if I had given him my number back instead of the pen. Ahhh well there is always next time. I’ve only been gushing after this guy for a year; another month won’t make much of a difference.

Pondering Lovers

When I go to bed at night I write in my journal. The one I don’t post on the internet for strangers to read. I write intelligent observations of war, humanity, love, life, and self interest (which I suppose isn’t so intellectual but alas….). Sometimes I write about war and love and how they are the same. Sometimes I think, on paper, about how the moon is big and/or bright and how the mountains outside my window remind me of home, because they are the mountains I grew up on. I’m never funny. I’m romantic. I don’t laugh. I cry. I like to be alone.

I write in a black moleskin journal and I imagine my grown children reading it after I am dead and buried in the ground. Or perhaps a lover, finding it and curiously opening it while I sleep next to him, reading about when I was young and suffering from a breaking heart, and suddenly he doesn’t know me, or the me that he thought he knew, and he sits in the dark pondering this person that has been revealed to him. That I might have a lover who ponders at all would make the obscene action of him reading my book a bit less bitter. As it is I have only a lover who snores and if he ponders he has yet to share any of it with me, which is a shame because I would truly appreciate his ponderings, whatever they might be.

Maybe tonight I will write about how I wonder/worry if I will ever have grown children to read my journals (there are many). If I do, have children, will they look like me? Will the have white curly hair and blue eyes? Will they love animals and cry when birds fall out of their nests and die? Will they read books like there is no tomorrow and will they sit at a computer when they are twenty something, hands poised over the keyboard, and contemplate their relationships, or lack of, and why or how they got themselves to this point? Will they listen to my old Modest Mouse albums all day and if I have girls will they write poetry and crave men with dark hair and stubble?

Or maybe I’ll write about how cold the air here is and how it smells like bonfires and wet leaves when I leave the gym late at night. Maybe I’ll consider the possibility that I don’t have a soul mate, or if I do I’ve lost him because I’ve made the wrong decisions in my life, or perhaps that there is no such thing as a “soul mate” anyway. Maybe I’ll write a long poem about how my dry skin feels sticky with sweat when I sleep curled up next to a man and how I secretly enjoy it.

--my skin is wet
it glistens, shining,
responding to loving you
touching you
holding you--

Or something like that.

It seems I am the lover that ponders. How about you?

Brain vs. Heart

“Every woman should know what she would and wouldn’t do for love or more…Every woman should know how to break up with a lover.”

There are things I could learn from people who are smart. It isn’t that I’m NOT smart per say I just don’t really DO what I know that I should do. My smart brain says, “Mel do not accept his dinner invitation and by all means, if you do accept, do NOT go back to his place after”. But do I listen? No, no I do not listen. Instead I do exactly the opposite of what my brain tells me to do. It is safe to say that I listen to my heart and my heart is a stereotypical dumb blonde (inside the head of a cute smart brunette who really knows better).


I have to say, “Shame on him!” for taking advantage of my love for purely selfish reasons. Is it possible that he does not understand that every time we are together my heart tries to convince my brain that he keeps calling because he loves me too and is just so confused, as he has said before, that he doesn’t even know what he wants? His confusion is leading to my confusion, and my frustration, and I’m a little angry because I was just starting to accept that it was over.

Now I’m back to having that clutching feeling in my chest, you know the one, every time I start to think about what we’re doing or better yet, where we’re going. I can’t take all the emotional moments we’ve been sharing; the slow sensual hours paired with frantic and erotic need. All of these emotions are bound up in my heart and I don’t know which way to go with them. Part of me just wants to let go while another part knows that I have never felt this way before.

What would I do for love…and more?

That Burning Sensation

The biggest payoff I get from working out is the pain the next morning. Seriously though, my muscles are singing with pleasure even though it hurts to move my arms, the muscles in my back have announced that they do, in fact, exist, and my legs burn just a little every time I have to stand up. I love it! This is what keeps me motivated to continue these intense work outs. I know eventually I’ll be working so hard so continuously that it won’t feel quite the same but hopefully by then I’ll have some payoff when I look in the mirror to keep me going strong. For now I will just enjoy the feeling and I can be grateful that I re-instated my intense work out regime.

Another weekend. Thank God! I’m not sure why I get so excited; it feels like all I ever do over the weekends is clean. I clean and clean and clean because my roommates are incredibly messy and apparently the 100 strands of hair we lose every day all fall out in the same place; my bathroom floor. I’ve loaded (and unloaded) 5 loads of dishes already this week and when I left for work this morning the sink was full…again. There is cereal scattered across the counter, and therefore across the floor as well, and coffee mug stains dotting the table. McDonald’s bags are lined up along the floor because their boyfriends think that since I’m single I don’t have anything better to do than throw their trash away. I’ve tested my limits and left all this junk all week long. I only did one day of deep cleaning and other than that I’ve only done dishes so I could drink my coffee in the morning. I’m dying, I can’t last any longer. I am embarrassed that I chose to live with people who invite such filth into their house. So, I’ll clean, and I’ll bitch to my friends but I certainly won’t tell them to clean up their God damn mess because that would be rude…and I’m anything but rude to people who truly deserve it.

On a side note: Slim fast taste good….drinking it from the can is not so good. And it doesn’t control my hunger for longer; in fact, it doesn’t control my hunger at all!

ORLY???

How does one get drunk, fall asleep, then wake up the next day still feeling drunk? Really though, I swear I’m just starting to get an after headache (aka minor hangover) NOW and it’s been way over 12 hours. Craziness I tell you.

Highlight of my night: Yells from across an extremely crowded bar announcing the presence of friends that I haven’t seen in a long time. Hugs, surprise visits from people not expected, and free drinks! Lots of flirting that gives my ego a much needed stroke (damn feeling down on myself!).

Lowlight of my night: Having a great and extremely flirty conversation with a really cute SLEAZY guy. . . . . only to find out (from other people) that he’s married with a kid.

Really? REALLY? I really just said those things to a married man? After I found out I did say to him, “SO, nice ring you’ve got on there” (he wasn't wearing one). Being a typical man he smiled slyly and said, "It doesn’t fit anymore". If I had been the one to put the moves on him it is one thing. Easy mistake and he could have just felt too awkward to explain but he 100% initiated the conversation. Ahhh well no real harm done, other than some racy comments on both ends. I got lucky on that. I feel sad for his wife. I know exactly what it’s like to be sitting at home while the husband is out partying and putting the moves on other women. Last night I was the other woman; I was the one that wives are worried about their husbands meeting. Damn the statistics! Can’t we all just be faithful?

Note to self: Drinking on weeknights is wicked fun…but not so smart. eeek

Second Note to self: Alcohol makes you say naughty things. STOP THAT!!!

Beware: Single Woman Ahead

I think there is something about being a fresh picked “single” that makes me want to jump on every attractive man I see. Really though, being at work is a dangerous place; even more dangerous for my pride. When I was in what I now refer to as a relationship, as confusing and crazy as it may have been, I didn’t see any of the cute men around me. Now I’m sitting in my cube touching shoulders with a *insert specific department here* guy and thinking, “hey I really wish I could take you home with me tonight” or you know, something along those lines. Then I have some meeting and this cute older guy, who I previously referred to as “the round one” (not because he is really fat but his face is just round and I didn’t know his name!!!) suddenly is more of “the cute quiet one”. My attraction to the men around here is like the plague. The real question is if I have a chance, and if I do….do I want to take it? I’m at least 75% in rebound mode, 15% in genuine interest mode, and 10% of me has no desire whatsoever to ever have any love interest ever again.

Do I need that crazy rebound fling? I’m not talking sex though. So maybe that is my answer. I’m not looking for a piece of ass, to put it politely, I’m looking for some genuine social stimulation. Is it so wrong for a girl to want a new face in front of her at the dinner table? No, I don’t suppose it is, the wrong part is that I really don’t know if I really AM interested and well…..I really hate rejection. No matter that I’ve never failed to get a date with someone that I really had my sights set on (minus the gorgeous love of my freaking life Man Candy in my college Health class…..but that was only because we weren’t allowed to talk so he didn’t know how cool I am….and stuff like that) but then again I don’t really have my sights set that often. So….do I put energy into it or just crush Jr. High style and let it blow over, at least until I’m done crying every night over “him”, and that may or may not be very soon…or a long ways away?

Someone tell me to move out of this place where I’m tempted by religious men that love to break my heart. Damn you Utah, damn you to hell!!! If I haven’t learned my lesson the firs time why do I think I’ll learn it a second or third or fourth time? I’m not meant for this place. You have to be here to understand.

*if you didn't catch on today is run on sentence day (is it just me or is sentence spelled really funny???)

and a side of Crown, make it a double

I didn’t wear a bra today. My boobs feel really small(ish) without it. It’s a harsh wake up call to the fact that I don’t have a single bit of natural cleavage. Not that they are small but they just aren’t, um, plump? They’re just boobs. Regular ones. They sit at a generally accepted height when I’m naked but when I say they are natural I really do mean N.A.T.U.R.A.L. they are shaped just like regular joe schmo boobs. If I had a skinnier tummy then they wouldn’t be so bad. Then again, if I was any skinnier then they would be very very small. I used to be a C. Now I’m like, C? Como What? I forget what C feels like. Then again my C boobs could never come to work without their keeper and I do so enjoy a little freedom now and again. You know that amazing feeling you get when you take your clothes off at the end of the day and get all comfy? That is kinda how I’ve felt all day!

Wouldn’t it be weird if I had been on the same plane as someone who is reading this and never even knew it? I think about those things. Do I know you but I don’t know I know you? I also wonder what will happen if one day I run into Dooce at say, um, the grocery store because we live in generally the same area. I’d just casually slip in a “cough I worship your blog cough, excuse me mam I didn’t mean to bump into you but since I did can you sign this piece of paper for me saying that we bumped into each other and I swear I won’t scan it and post it on my blog because only losers would think that you are THAT cool” or something like that. I don’t know what I like most about her blogs. Her writing, her banners, or just her. I think it’s the latter and I’ll explain. If you’ve ever lived in Utah then you know it is a desolate land full of people who shun plural marriages but believe that once we go to heaven it is magically okay to have lots of wives, and they don’t drink vodka for breakfast (I KNOW, it’s scary!)….actually they don’t drink vodka at all. Or beer. Or wine. Or anything with alcohol in it. They don’t say “fuck” either and for that I really do feel bad because if I’m ever having a really bad day I can just scream the fuck word really loudly and magically I feel better. When I’m depressed I prescribe myself 3 fuck screams a day, with food (preferably chocolate….or macaroni and cheese), for as long as it takes for me to feel cheerful again. So…you can imagine how hard it is to live in this place where you can basically get arrested for doing just that. These are only some of the reasons that I love Dooce. She is everything that Utah isn’t supposed to be and she laughs in its face.

So what you should have learned from this blog: I don’t like to wear a bra (and I promise it’s not scary, it’s kinda hot), I read Dooce religiously and have yet to stage and accidental grocery store run in with her (because I’m above stalking but don’t think I haven’t considered it), and you should never EVER ever move to Utah unless you are Mormon and/or don’t enjoy vodka for breakfast.

The Power Within

I totally had a dream that I was on Dancing With the Stars!

But seriously if that comes true then I really AM psychic.


To be honest with you I always thought I had some super natural powers I just didn’t know, er, what they were. Regardless of proof I knew that I had something special going on in my brain and intended to get rich off of it. Fast forward a decade or so; I really do have dreams about things that happen. I know where family members are even though they didn’t know it themselves……I just have yet to make a damn penny from my intuition. Apparently they didn’t get the memo that they have to pay me when I tell them where they’ve been all day. I feel used, like some sort of circus freak that is around just to entertain them.

SO I really only had one dream like this and it really did happen and I won’t lie it was totally freaky but no one else thought it was nearly as amazing. So I probably should meditate or something to try and tap into these powers of mine. How great would it be if I could change the channel without having to get up and walk to the television? That’s right….I don’t even have a remote control. I figure WHY spend $10.00 on a stupid clicker thingy when I could spend that money on dollar menu lunch items for a whole week(!)) and then count my channel surfing as exercise? I am sure you all get my reasoning here.

Now you all owe me $20.00 for reading this post. After all, much to the dismay of my family, I am NOT a circus freak dammit!

The office smells like a bathroom. Not a clean one.

Those Special Moments....

chubalubbachubalubbachubalubbachubalubb.......


That's how I'm feeling these days. Must.Get.On.Eliptical.

It really is the worst feeling ever. Well, that, and feminine itching bwahahahahaha
(*picture is NOT me)

I Hate Google Right Now!!!

I literally just lost every single one of my links on Google Reader. Now my only subscription is some blog that I've never read...ever.

I'm internet crying right now.....Just two seconds ago I was reading blogs and NOW I have to somehow figure out every single blog address that I read which isn't that easy. *crie* Stupid stupid stupid.....

EDIT: Because of my obvious stupidity I have never realized that I use a completly different google account for my google reader sign in...therefore when I signed in under THIS name it didn't have any of my other feeds. DOH! How and when did I become so stupid? Embarassment is outweighed by relief at this moment....

Fact: Bears Eat Beats

I'm on vacation.
I'm awake at motherflippin six in the morning.
My mind won't stop overthinking.

I've spent the last 9 days enjoying my time with my family, absorbing new scenery, missing my immediate family, and just generally being glad that I don't have to work. Throughout it all I've kept a certain person in the back of my mind. I keep wondering why he won't just leave my brain alone but that is neither here nor there. Wouldn't you agree that is so easy to jump to crazy conclusions when the only communication you have with someone is on the phone.....mostly via text message? Communication should be stopped anyway but it isn't. He called me regularly in the beginning but the last bit it has been awkward. There are pages of details as to why but they aren't even worth going into. I don't know how I feel anymore but I have this growing desire to feel something that I am sure of and let him know how it is. I'm so tired of playing this game, silly games. When you've been in love with someone you let them do things that they shouldn't be able to do and eventually you just get so tired. Yes tired. It is exhausting having nothing when there is something. I wonder if he looks at me and feels anything. I wonder if he thinks I'm less of a person for having this communication. Really though, where is my pride? Why can't I just move on? I want to but God I'm afraid of being alone. When you are in a realtionship it is so easy to look in the mirror and find the good things. You know there are things they love about you and those are the aspects of yourself that you learn to love as well. Now though, I feel as though my good traits have failed. What do I have left if the good just wasn't good enough? Ahhh well I suppose there is no easy way through this and I can only hope that I can figure it out before it eats away at my stomach.

Aside from that ridiculousness (is that a word? and is it spelled correctly?) things are wonderful here, mostly. It is in fact six in the morning and I'm wide awake. I suppose I could have stayed up in bed but I just couldn't find my comfort zone. I was hot, then cold, then hot. So frustrating. It is much cooler in these parts, very few days that get into the high ninties, or even the ninties at all (when I am used to temperatures in the hundreds it is a big change) but it gets very muggy. The bedroom is heavily air conditioned but the computer/living/family/tv/dining room only get a/c during the times when we are awake and the air is heavy right now. I don't mind as I prefer the humidity to the dryness of Utah, especially at this time, when the air outside is wet but cool enough. I've seen as many sites as we could possibly fit in and while we have to take today off of touristy things to attend a wedding (aside: another fact that I've been thinking about too much. I won't stop obsessing if I look nice enough or if I will be whispered about by the family I'll see that I know don't much care for me or for my sisters.) but Saturday and Sunday we'll do what we can before I fly home on what I expect to be a very long Monday (my flight here took so much out of me that I was running a 100 degree fever for almost two days after.....I am not the best traveler in the world, especially when it comes to time changes).

Nonsense, all of this; I just had a strong desire to sit down and write. Write to myself, for myself. So many things regarding my life that need to be thought about and attended to. This didn't even do the job but it is enough and I feel a bit sleepy again. I can sleep for another couple hours before I need to get up for the day. That is, if I can stop worrying about where the closest Super Target is. One thing I don't love so much about the East Coast: In Utah we have nice, not run down, stores on every corner. I see malls here and there, and shopping centers but unless we are in a really nice area everything has a name I don't recognize and they all seem as though they've been there for half a century (the malls are a million times better though). I hate that we have to drive forever just to get to a store I know and I hate that I don't know where I am nor can I see where I'm going with all of the trees (but I love them anyway, I feel like I can breathe here). To bed.....more to say another time. Perhaps I will post a picture because what the hell.....I just know when I do I'll lose the enjoyment as a write with no face. I could be an ugly hag and you would never know and once that picture is up I'll just be another normal person. Ahhh well, decisions to be made another day, and ones that are less important then others that should come before it.

It's Time Fooooor......

a vacation!!! My super self is going to be heading out to the wonderful New England area (more specifically, Rhode Island) at the end of next week and I’ll be there for a week and a half! I cannot even express how excited I am to escape the west for even a little while.

Unfortunately my budget won’t allow for the extreme shopping that I want to do. My cousin is getting married while I’m there (not there for that reason it just worked out that way and I’m not really looking forward to it, too many people) so there will be all sorts of hooplah which means there is a possibility of me slipping away for a day. I wouldn’t mind taking the train to New York so I can spend the few clothing funds I’ll be bringing along with me. Really though it is kind of a long trip to make in one day, I’d really need to get out there and stay the night or else it will be a little pointless.

We plan on spending a lot of time on the Cape which I am particularly looking forward to. Every other time I’ve been there I was A)there during the winter or B) a baby. My grandfather seems excited for me to visit. He is always talking about how the ocean is in my blood. It is true, New England is my heritage. My 12th great grandparents (John and Priscilla Alden) came over on the Mayflower and were the 3rd known couple to marry in Plymouth Colony. He has always been very proud of our heritage and it seemed to pass on through his son (my father) and now to me, although I have less interest in doing the historical research, I just like to hear the stories; I do like stories.

Anyway, the point of this pointless post is that I’ll be back east next week and I’m am so very excited. Maybe I’ll meet some handsome devil of a man and never leave.

Little known fact: I haven't been on a vacation in over 5 years. Yes really.

Female Powers and The Rules About Finding Love

Normally I love the articles on Ivillage. Normally. Sometimes they are a little quirky and off the mark, but, entertaining and sometimes informative. This article though, I’m just not feeling it. I’ve read all the books like “He’s Just Not That Into You” and all that hooplah but to be honest I really feel like they are missing something.

Due to my recent breakup a very close married male friend has spent many hours listening to me vent and offering up his advice. According to him and my brother in law I need to exert my female powers and tell him whats what instead of playing by all of the rules. They insist that a woman has power that no man can understand and not enough of us put that to use.

I thought about it and….my entire year with him was full of me doing all the things right. I didn’t put pressure, I let him be the man, I didn’t ask him on dates when we were still in our first stages etc etc. None of this made him love me any more or made him want to be with me. Sure if I had voiced some of the crazy things going through my mind it might have ended sooner but love is love and I don’t think letting him ask for the dinner check on the first date is going to make him want you any more.

Maybe my friend has a point. Tradition has spelled out one way of doing things but if we have learned anything about tradition it is that it doesn’t hold in every situation. If we only did things the way they’ve always been done then women wouldn’t have a vote, they wouldn’t be as prominent in the work place, we’d still be wearing pretty dresses and serving our men and their whims. It isn’t that way. We have become strong and have proven that we are more than capable to do anything a man should do.

Why should we demean ourselves for dating then? Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE a little old fashioned romance because it can make things feel light and fun but a man opening my door for me won't make me love him if I don't already. Rules are made to be broken and I just won’t conform to the ideas that these dating books readily put out. If I’m on a FIRST date and I rip my break in half and put the other back in the basket (which I’ve done *gasp*) and he is disgusted by it then we probably wouldn’t work out anyway. Certainly there are women who will use these ideas successfully but when they are finally settled down I really think the majority of the rules go out the window. No matter what the rules may be I believe that I’ll find a man who accepts me for me and chances are when we do go out on that first date I will shut my cell phone off and look into his eyes not because I want him to like me but because I like him. Tradition has it’s place but we really need to make some wiggling room for dating.

Does anyone agree or am I just a fool who refuses to accept the way things are supposed to be? I don’t know about you ladies but I want to know how it feels to use my “woman powers”. I don’t want to have to spend a year doing and saying the right things only to be dumped regardless. I’d rather just be alone. On the other hand if I were a man I would get insanely sick of having to always make all the decisions, phone calls, so on and so forth.....going out with a girl who is a little more down to earth and real might be a welcome relief.

If I Could

I suppose we all grieve in our own ways. Me, I grieve by eating Mac & Cheese for lunch every day and resorting to Bed Light instead of red wine. I comfort myself by shopping, of course, for shoes, jeans, more shoes, and other things that are bright, shiny and provide a distraction.

That’s the sum of what I’ve been doing for a week. Oh and reading romance novels. I started with obsessively watching Miami Ink….but the re-run marathon only lasted one night so I had to find bigger and better things to rot my brain on, so, we have the romance novels.

All in all I’m doing much better then I was. You know how it is when you break up with someone you thought you saw forever with…..the tears, the loneliness, and of course wondering if you should call or let him call, and when he does call do you go over or stay at home. And it all creates a big ball of drama that follows you around like a little black rain cloud. As I mentioned above I’ve been eating crappy food (when I eat at all) and drinking cheap beer. I rather enjoy it at times but it can get a little boring. My friends are there as much as I want them to be. Although…my best friend is married and while they are great for a 10 minute convo about it all, or a few hours of retail therapy they aren’t so good for the, “I need to get out and get drunk and be hit on by men I’ll never give my phone number to”. They tend to fall asleep on the couch after a few glasses of wine while we all watch re-runs of Seinfeld. Ahhhhhh well what do you expect.

At least I have this thorn in my side, called work, to distract me and hopefully cause me to spend less money on shoes and more fabulous jeans (though I had to indulge in one pair…and they’re amazing)..

Oh, move day again on Friday. I’ve only been at this place 3 months and now I go again. It’s better, this new apartment, it’s fucking fantastic. Huge front room, beautiful kitchen, fantastic hard wood floors, the list goes on. My bedroom….ahhh……..no longer will I be sleeping in a shoe box. I’ll have a closet that I can fit my bed in if I wanted which obviously means that I will FINALLY be able to fit all my shoes in the closet without pouring them in baskets or using the coat closet for backup. I also have a gorgeous deck off the dining room that is in the perfect spot for the sunset. I could go on about vaulted ceilings and cute little fireplaces but I need to get back to the daily grind.

Gone Going Gone

I'm crushed.

Who knew we'd begin the weekend by ending our relationship. Although I was hurt much more by this than he, we both sat in disbelief for a moment when we realized that there would be no more snuggling. No more wonderful mornings. No more nook; the place where I fit so perfectly. It's just over and done and the tears won't stop coming. I know they don't help but I can't help them. They fall when where wherever they feel like it and today they have no boundries. Although I always knew it would hurt me I never expected to sob this way when it finally came to a screeching halt. One minute we're sleeping naked in the bed, curled up next to each other, sleeping late into the morning; the next I'm crying and asking him to stop telling me that he doesn't know why he just doesn't see himself being with me forever.

I'm hurting so much right now. Being with him is the only thing that has kept me sane during the difficult times I've been going through. Apparently it was all just too much. Too much stress too much pressure. He found himself thinking not only of himself but of he and I together and he lost it. I suppose I pushed for the breakup to actually happen. He is no good at this sort of thing. He has said more than once that the reason we've been bumping heads a little more often lately is maybe because we've been spending too much time together. When he almost suggested that I don't stay over after dinner on Friday I just lost it. I told him that things just don't move backwards because he is stressed out. He asked what I'd do if I was in his position (the position being one of self contemplation) and I told him that I'd talk to the person I was supposed to care about instead of shutting them out. This was on the phone and we decided to go out for dinner and then talk about it all a little later. Neither of us was really planning on ending it. Even this morning we talked about stopping by some friends on our way back to my place. That didn't happen. It won't ever happen again.

This is such a huge loss for me. Even though I half way expected it to happen sooner or later I always thought it would be later...not sooner.

A year...in just one more month. I still have texts that I've saved throughout the months of him telling me how much he missed me when he was away or how wonderful our morning together was, of which we had many.

I will miss him, every little thing about him, more than words can even explain. But...I still have to see him every.single.day. This is going to be so very hard to do.

I Do What I Can To Survive

I really loathe Mondays. I try so hard but I am just so crabby and intolerant of anything and everything. Monday mornings are the worst time to tell people what they need to do better or to tell them how you are right and they are wrong. I hear, “blah blah blah nothing else is good enough because you made this one little mistake, nothing you ever do is right”. I know this ISN’T what is being said but on a Monday morning I just want to tell them that I already have a father, I don’t need two, kthxbye. I know I overreact but really can’t people just wait until Tuesday morning to say something negative to me? I would really appreciate it, it doesn’t seem like too much to ask. Of course lucky for me I know my own issues and I keep my mouth shut. It makes me come off as incredibly pissy, but I AM incredibly pissy so it works out okay. I understand what he means when he says the things he says. I respect and I appreciate the fact that he just says stuff to me rather than holding it in and getting angry with me when I can’t read his mind. It makes life much easier…but to avoid blank stares and annoyance he might want to wait until a Tuesday morning to brief me on changes that need to be made. He’s very professional about it all and sometimes I find it adorable (sometimes being any time other then a Monday morning when I have a hangover or during my period), just another one of those quirks that you learn to embrace as time goes on.

In my crabby mood this morning I leaned on my favorite quote (kind of a quote anyway) to help me take a deep breath and not blow things out of proportion. It is one of those emails that people send around but it is actually moving and inspiring and helpful so I keep a print out hanging near by wherever I am.

A woman should have….
One friend who makes her laugh
And one who lets her cry….

A woman should have…
A good piece of furniture
Not previously owned by
Anyone else in her family….

A woman should have…
A feeling of control over her destiny…

Every woman should know….
How to fall in love
Without losing herself…..

Every woman should know…
How to quit a job
Break up with a lover
And confront a friend without ruining the friendship

Every woman should know….
When to try harder and….
WHEN TO WALK AWAY

Every woman should know…
That she can’t change…..
The length of her calves,
The width of her hips, or
The nature of her parents…..

Every woman should know….
That her childhood may not have been perfect…
But; it’s over…..

Every woman should know….
What she would and wouldn’t do
For love, or more……

Every woman should know….
How to live alone…
Even if she doesn’t like it…..

Every woman should know….
Whom she can trust,
Whom she can’t,
And why she shouldn’t take it personally….

Every woman should know….
Where to go….
Be it to her best friend’s kitchen table,
Or a charming inn in the woods
When her soul needs soothing…!

Every woman should know….
What she can and can’t accomplish
In a day….
A month…
And a year….

There is a little bit of something for everything in this and every single bit of it is true. Words have always given me strength when I struggle. On days like this I just feel so overwhelmed. Every little thing makes me want to just give up or cry or both. I get angry so easily yet I hate myself when I feel that anger and it seems to control me. SO, I surround myself with words. Letters packed together to make something meaningful and uplifting. Without these words I would surely be lost.

Sleep Don't Weep

My favorite thing about mornings with him is the lazy, laid back, comfortable feeling we have during this time together. Alarms go off, blaring advertisements in our ears, yet we just turn it off and snuggle back down, ensuring that we will be at least 15 minutes late to work. I roll over and curl up on his shoulder, his arms wrap around me, and I bury my face into his neck and pretend that we don’t have responsibilities or jobs. Sometimes he will snuggle up behind me, his hands making a trail up and down my stomach, and I turn my neck just enough so he can kiss me while we fall in and out of sleep. After showers there is always that moment when we walk past each other while getting ready for the day ahead and we just stop our movements for a long kiss and a smile. As long as it isn’t a Monday morning we are always in a good mood and most mornings there will be echo’s of laughter as we joke and tease. As soon as we step out of the house everything turns into work mode but I like to think that he carries the warm fuzzies around all day just like I do; when he smiles at me I’m very sure that he does.

I must have been too close in the bathroom because I smell like his cologne. I keep turning my head expecting to see him there behind me.

There is something about his smell; the smell of his skin mixed with soap and cologne. He never stinks, even after he works out or plays sports. His room always smells fresh, like laundry soap and a little bit like sleep.

Would You Like A Side of Cheese?

I spent the weekend throwing up any food or liquid that could possibly have been inhabiting my body…..and then throwing up any particles that may have been in the air and carelessly trickled down into my stomach. A day off of work to lay in bed and vomit continuously isn’t exactly the vacation I’ve been trying to cash in my karma points for. I learned, after my 10th trip to the bathroom, that every time I actually move in any way, it initiates the puke fest. So it was a long weekend trying not to move at all. When I was finally able to get out of bed I checked my body and to my overwhelming surprise there were no bed sores….anywhere. I was sure that 48 hours in bed would result in injury, but alas, it did not. I am still hungry though. I’m building up to my regular caloric intake and in the process I feel as though I am starving constantly.

My treat to myself for spending a weekend worshiping the porcelain God was to go out and promptly get drunk. Smart idea? Seemed so at the time…..

I'm Sorry You're With WHO?

This post is going to sound so selfish of me so let me put up a disclaimer:
I respect work. I love work. I need my space when I work. I never ever ever EVER get offended or upset at “him” when I try to IM him while we are working and he doesn’t respond or completely forgets things he has agreed to throughout the work day. He has forgotten plans and made other plans because he doesn’t always pay attention because he is BUSY. I understand that. I feel the same way and it is never an issue like it has
been with other girlfriends. /end disclaimer begin selfish bitch fest

I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY hate that the one day a week we take a lunch break together he takes work calls while we are at lunch. The instant we get in the car he’s calling people, scheduling things, reading emails etc. THIS IS MY TIME! Seriously. People go to lunch. If he isn’t answering his work line and he hasn’t responded to your email it means he’s probably busy! Or, wow, between the hours of 12:00 and 1:ish he isn’t around. Really? Wonder why. I’ve been to lunch with him and other friends at the same time. He would never take a call in the middle of a conversation with them because it was for work. No…he would wait until he was back in the car, with me, and THEN call them back. Because, you know, it would be so hard to wait the five minutes until he is back to his desk to call them back.

Days like this it REALLY irks me. Usually I brush it off. I’m just happy to be with him for an hour during the day but today, during lunch, is the last time I will get to sit and talk with him, be with him, before he leaves for a long weekend. His plane leaves tonight right after work and I won’t see him again until next week. This lunch was for us. And how does it end? It ends with me in the middle of a sentence getting cut off by him just picking up his cell phone and incoherently mumbling something to me while he stands up and promptly goes to pay our check. He then proceeds to talk on the phone all the way back into the office without so much as a second glance at me. This was my goodbye? He couldn’t wait a few minutes to talk? I know what he does and I know that sometimes you just have to take a call….BUT there are better ways to handle it. Especially when this is your sappy girlfriend's going away lunch with you. I’M GOING TO MISS YOU, YOU STUPID IDIOT!!! I want to see him. I want to talk to him. What I don’t want is to walk of a restaurant with a guy who has totally forgotten that I exist and not even so much as a “sorry, I have to take this I’ll call you after work” or “I’ll IM you when I’m done and you can finish your sentence (for once)”. It is so hard and I know I’m being an insensitive, selfish partner when I complain about it but I REALLY HATE IT! I deal with everything else give me this one thing for Christ’s sake!

Phew. So I’m a bad girlfriend. I suck. I get even more annoyed when he doesn’t apologize for this specific action. Someday, when I grow a set of balls, I’ll just tell him that “if it’s so important you can’t call them back then you sure as hell better apologize for being an ass. Work calls….literally, but you don’t have to forget all of your manners OR the fact that you won’t be seeing your girlfriend for 4 days. Have some sympathy and try to put yourself in my shoes. I’m understanding 99% of the time, give me this”. The complaining is really wasted breath (or uh finger work) because work is work is work and if I am going to bitch about the attention he doesn’t give when we take lunches together he’ll resolve it by not taking lunches with me at all and keep our personal time to after work, it would make sense if this is such an issue; that is what I might do in his position. Or maybe I could just say, “Hey, I know it’s work and all, but when you cut me off without saying a thing so you can answer your phone I’d really appreciate an apology after the fact, even though you weren’t being intentionally rude”. Is that too much to ask?

Sometimes men and their work obsession/dedication/obligation really really sucks ass. Pretty sure you CAN be top employee even IF you continue to display manners in personal/social situations.

Drinking, Smoking and Shoes OH MY!

I couldn’t tell you what, exactly, I watched on television last night because I was fully hammered by about 9:00. I know I watched the new show about the hot man who picks between an older woman and a hot younger woman (they older ladies, for the most part, are WAY hotter FYI, some of them just wear too much makeup) while I started to get drunk and made my signature dinner, chicken and rice, and I know that before I teetered off to bed, alone, I watched the EXCLUSIVE interview with Price William and Prince I can never remember his name. The inbetween part I’m just not so sure of. I DO know that I drank 3 Heinekens (that I bought at the scary gas station that is within walking distance from my apartment) and maybe about 4 glasses of wine during and after dinner. I smoked one PERFECT cigarette on my porch and by the time I was done I was literally spinning. I, of course, had to rid my mouth of the smoke taste with another glass of wine but I was smart enough to realize that I was way to wasted to drink more (after a few sips) and I promptly DUMPED IT OUT! I wasted an entire glass of perfectly perfect alcohol. Ouch. But the only other option was to bring it to bed with me and that never ends up very well the next morning when I wake to find an empty glass on the pillow next to me and a stained shirt on the floor.

I erased the negative paragraph I had written here and instead I’m filling it with shoe whoring *gush* I’m so in love with the following shoes:




The red ones....seriously. I just orgasamed.











The black? I just proposed to these because they are so sexy I want to be with them forever and ever!





Because who doesn't need an adorable and funky pair of cute flats? I don't know a single person. Even me, the woman who would sleep in stilettos if I could, LOVES the flats with the right pair of jeans or a cute calf length summer skirt.

And that is that....I'll be done shoe whoring.

Just be grateful I didn't bag spam you all! There were some AMAZING bags online...but they ranged from 500 to 700 dollars so I gave up any hope of having one anytime soon. Maybe for Christmas....or my birthday....hmmmm.....

Oh and the stuff going on lately.....my car broke down. It is practically new (okay 2001 new) and I have to replace the engine. My warranty claim was denied for a new one months ago so we worked around it and thought it was fixed but then randomly one day it just died. FUCK! Since its a few grand to fix it I've just been a bum....a big fat bum. I hate it!



*happy faces* And they lived happily ever after with no car but sexy shoes the end

Which Fruit Are You?

So I’m an apple, and he’s an orange….or rather we are both supposed to be apples, together, but he is pretending he’s an orange. Denial or something like that.. All in all it was confusing and I told him he could pretend to be an orange if he wanted to, it was okay with me. At least we’re both fruit. Sometimes it feels like I’m an apple and he’s a computer chair……

The question is….will we still be apples (even in denial) 3 months from now?

Ahh the unanswerable question….What if it doesn’t work out?

He is so much of my happiness lately. When I see him it makes me want to be happy. When I’m with him it is easier to remember the other reasons I CHOOSE to be happy. Being with him is wonderful. It isn’t always easy and it isn’t even always fun, it’s just, there. It’s normal. I do normal things with him and that is fun for me, for us. I’m tired of the what if being thrown in my face. What if we work? What if it’s always amazing? That is a what if I’m not ready to write off. I think he should consider adding it to his list of what ifs as well.

Shame On Me

Bad friend bad writer bad things right now.

So sorry. Not dead, not forgetting about you, still reading...just...not writing.

Two Things...

Does anyone know where I can locate an IV for pure caffeine while still getting the delicious flavor of coffee in my mouth?

I am getting tattoo's of my eyeballs on my eyelids so I can sleep while I work.

Sex Me Book Style

I’m 90% hot librarian today and 10% “too lazy to wake up early enough to dry my hair and curl it”. I’m working the sexy ultra high black suede stilettos with a great below the knee flare out skirt that makes my legs look sexy, especially with the fabulous tan I acquired sleeping by the pool all weekend, and to complete the entire ensemble my hair is, of course, pulled back, but in two cute little curly headed buns on the top instead of one boring one. If lip gloss counts as makeup I’m wearing that…..but like I said, I have a great tan and when I’m tan makeup is optional, my skin is very nice to me that way. P.S. Can you tell that when I have man trouble I need to make myself feel better by convincing myself how sexy I am? ha, but not really ha because I'm serious....we do what we gotta do.

I didn’t end my not relationship. I DID tell him how I felt (minus saying that word that starts with L but close enough) and that I have been constantly stressing over our lack of commitment but I did know how he felt about it all (he doesn’t see it working out long term so why start when it will just end-his words not mine). I didn’t cry. I did tell him that I knew I was amazing and that I’m staying because I’m not ready to let go of it but that I do deserve to be with someone who will commit to me. He didn’t actually say a single word. He did kiss me softly after I’d finished speaking (the lights were out and we were in bed already). And that was that. It was enough for what I need right now and we will see how things progress (or don’t progress since the goal is to end it) over the next few weeks.

It’s draining and I hate hearing what I should or shouldn’t do so be nice okay. I know, believe me I know. There isn’t a bone in my body that doesn’t know what needs to be done and if I were my own best friend I know what I’d tell me…..so, just be nice and don’t make it harder for me than it already is. kthanksbye

The Things I've Been Needing to Say But Couldn't

Amazing Friday night with "him". He was so sweet with my friends and family and so affectionate. It was like we were real.

And now I'm crying because I know what I have to do and I hurt so so so much. I can feel my heart clutching, trying to deny me this, but I have to. I am too smart. I am a woman who has been through so much heartache and I know what this is and I know what this is not.

If he doesn't get my voicemail and call me back soon I won't be able to say it tomorrow. I'm ready now, I'm ready and it hurts and it took a lot of self evaluation and tears for me to get the courage I've needed. I NEED him to get that message and somehow know that I need to see him NOW and that it just can't wait. I wish that he can hear the tears I was hiding. If I don't do this now, when I'm ready, who knows how much more hell and aching I'll put myself through before I have the courage to say it again another day.

I need this. Now. Right now I'm ready to move on. Well not ready, but I know that I have to, he's given me no other choice, no matter how much he cares about me and no matter how perfect we are when we are together. No matter how jealous everyone might be that we each found someone who understands and accepts each others lifestyles, no matter how many people see us and say that we feel perfect. None of that matters in the long run.

*insert music lyrics or some nifty title*

Token post before the weekend.

I haven't been shopping in weeks. Yes, real actual weeks. It makes me throw up a little in my mouth because it is so pathetic. I almost cried when I tried to find something to wear to work today. If I burn my closet up will my house insurance cover it all? Hmmmmm.....

Do I really need to buy groceries instead of shoes? And jeans, oh jeans.....my ass and I are actually in a fight right now because I put it in the same pair of jeans too often. Why can't it be like my boobs that just appreciate when I buy a new $60 bra every year (seriously I take good care of that shit it lasts longer than Ron Jeremy). Maybe we need to see counsling? I wonder if Nordstrom offers ass counsling....Hmmmmm......?

Hush Little Babies

I had the worst sleep last night. I woke up frequently feeling terribly sick and delirious, stumbling to the bathroom to splash water on my clammy face, and then stumbling back to bed again after guzzling a gallon of water. I had the craziest and most realistic dream in my crazy dream history and it threw me way off balance when I woke up and realized that it WAS actually a dream. I was pregnant, oh so pregnant, with twins; a boy and a girl. I distinctly remember looking at little black and white images of them moving around so close together and telling the doctor that they would sleep together. In my dream I dreamt that they were born and I was watching them sleep with their little faces so close together and my heart was just aching to pick them up, but in my dream within a dream I couldn’t. They were perfect, absolutely perfect and I wish I could bottle the feeling I had in that dream, that feeling of knowing that I was capable of giving life; not just one life but two. I remember the internal feelings of worry that I wouldn’t be able to take care of them both as I was/am not married or in a relationship and in the dream I had no awareness of a father. This was probably the most realistic dream I’ve ever had. Usually in dreams you can’t see faces you just know that people are who they are. In this dream I saw my sister and our mutual, very pregnant, friend and I saw two babies. I saw two noses and two sets of big blue eyes gazing at each other in their crib. I saw two little lips and four little feet and some seriously round, pink cheeks. I felt my big round belly and I remember feeling an overwhelming desire to protect them, something I’m sure has been instilled by my sister and her emotions concerning her babies. It was just all SO much and to wake up and realize that not a single little drop of it was true; that I wasn’t pregnant and hadn’t dreamt about my babies sleeping together and hadn’t really seen them swirling around inside me; was a difficult thing. I’m not supposed to feel this way, like I’ll never have the chance, not until I’m 35 and still single, not until my clock really starts to tick. It’s a stupid thing to say but WHY did I have to have this dream? I want it to mean something; I want those babies to be MINE. But they aren’t. They’re fictional creations of an overly hormonal woman who can’t/doesn’t have babies of her own.

Maybe I should take it easy on the wine before I go to sleep?

One Way Train To Nowhere

Big news here. I went running last night for the first time…well….the first time in recent memory. This is not a joke but I was, in fact, a joke. I’m trying out a program that is made for people who are not runners; it’s a week by week three month program created to build muscle and bone strength in a healthy way. I struggled even through the first workout program. The one thing I can do well? Stretch. Yeah so all the sex I have makes me very limber. I was a dancer growing up and although I’ve been on the couch for the past few years I still have retained a lot of my flexibility, which is a really good thing. So, although my sides ached and I could feel my insides burning from the exercise, I do not have a single sore muscle. As for the running work out; I’ll stick to it rather than cop out and say that I’m just not made for running. Bull shit. My body is made for anything I just need to build up the stamina. I’m going to prove MYSELF wrong because I’ve always used the excuse that I’m not a “runner”.

So for the most part I had a 20 minute “brisk” walk with spurts of jogging (in the beginning), trying hard to follow the running plan I’ve chosen. I am hoping that this continuous exercise helps the emotional up’s and downs that I’m experiencing while on birth control. For one week out of the month I feel like a normal human being only with bloating and cramps and headaches. The other three weeks I overreact, cry, yell, and in general act like a pregnant woman in her 2nd trimester. After a couple months now I think it is safe to assume that it is the birth control hormones that are causing this bursts of emotion and while I keep hoping that it will die down a bit it hasn’t, YET. The alternative is not one that I’m okay with in my life right now, and as someone who has been through a surprise pregnancy followed by a terrible miscarriage 2 months later, I know that I do not have the capacity to deal with it again. I’ll be stopping by the health food store after work to pick up some hormone cream that my mother is sure will help with these problems. She also believes it may help with my hair loss. I’m fairly sure that it is either stress related or hormone related so I’ll give the “miracle cream” a try for a while and see if it makes any difference. At this point I’ll try anything.

Even with all the outbursts and overreactions I managed to have a lovely evening last night. I went for my run, came home and started a new book (even though I’m currently in the middle of three others), and was happily joined a little later by “him”. I was surprised when he snuggled down with me in my bed and stayed all through the night. He didn’t sleep well at all but the gesture was greatly appreciated. I enjoyed having him stay with ME for the first time in almost 10 months. Having made last minute dinner plans with co workers he didn’t realize that he would not end up going home at all that night and had to wake up early to drive 30 minutes in the opposite direction of the office and back again. After a long night of restless sleep this was not the easiest thing to do and again I think it says something that he was willing to stay rather than come over for a bit before going home to his own house alone. His Memorial Day weekend plans are up in the air still; stay home and relax or go up and spend three days with way too much testosterone and no sex. I want to pressure him to stay but I won’t. If he goes I’ll happily stay here and spend my three day weekend relaxing in the sun at my sister’s pool, enjoying the company of a strong cocktail and the squeals of my sweet nieces and nephews. Internally though I’m begging him to stay with me and go garage sale hopping, hiking, and cocktail drinking. Either way I’ll make the most of my time off.

I’ve been budgeting pretty hardcore lately. You might have noticed my lack of shoe posts. I haven’t even been able to look. Bills like to take up all of my paycheck and since I’m in credit recovery mode again (picking up the pieces slowly after a stupid ex husband blindsided me with a car repot after our separation) I have little to no money to spend on my normal necessities, such as shoes and new jeans. I feel boring and frumpy and I simply cannot wait for a pay period when I can blow hundreds on myself instead of bills or my best friends wedding (which I was happy to spend or I wouldn’t have done it). Not to mention the dire need for new swimwear but we shouldn’t even start down that road because it is last on my list of needs. Sometimes against my personal wishes I buy groceries instead of shoes and with the running I figure that I need to put my stomach before my feet or my ass. It hurts but when I finally get to splurge again it will be a sweet homecoming.

I’ll leave you for the weekend (it should be a blogger rule that you have to find something better to do than write on weekends; if you work a 9-5 job that is) with a little quiz that I quite enjoyed. Maybe some of you will learn a new fact or ten! I did. Have a safe Memorial Day weekend! Quiz Sexiness