I'm on vacation.
I'm awake at motherflippin six in the morning.
My mind won't stop overthinking.
I've spent the last 9 days enjoying my time with my family, absorbing new scenery, missing my immediate family, and just generally being glad that I don't have to work. Throughout it all I've kept a certain person in the back of my mind. I keep wondering why he won't just leave my brain alone but that is neither here nor there. Wouldn't you agree that is so easy to jump to crazy conclusions when the only communication you have with someone is on the phone.....mostly via text message? Communication should be stopped anyway but it isn't. He called me regularly in the beginning but the last bit it has been awkward. There are pages of details as to why but they aren't even worth going into. I don't know how I feel anymore but I have this growing desire to feel something that I am sure of and let him know how it is. I'm so tired of playing this game, silly games. When you've been in love with someone you let them do things that they shouldn't be able to do and eventually you just get so tired. Yes tired. It is exhausting having nothing when there is something. I wonder if he looks at me and feels anything. I wonder if he thinks I'm less of a person for having this communication. Really though, where is my pride? Why can't I just move on? I want to but God I'm afraid of being alone. When you are in a realtionship it is so easy to look in the mirror and find the good things. You know there are things they love about you and those are the aspects of yourself that you learn to love as well. Now though, I feel as though my good traits have failed. What do I have left if the good just wasn't good enough? Ahhh well I suppose there is no easy way through this and I can only hope that I can figure it out before it eats away at my stomach.
Aside from that ridiculousness (is that a word? and is it spelled correctly?) things are wonderful here, mostly. It is in fact six in the morning and I'm wide awake. I suppose I could have stayed up in bed but I just couldn't find my comfort zone. I was hot, then cold, then hot. So frustrating. It is much cooler in these parts, very few days that get into the high ninties, or even the ninties at all (when I am used to temperatures in the hundreds it is a big change) but it gets very muggy. The bedroom is heavily air conditioned but the computer/living/family/tv/dining room only get a/c during the times when we are awake and the air is heavy right now. I don't mind as I prefer the humidity to the dryness of Utah, especially at this time, when the air outside is wet but cool enough. I've seen as many sites as we could possibly fit in and while we have to take today off of touristy things to attend a wedding (aside: another fact that I've been thinking about too much. I won't stop obsessing if I look nice enough or if I will be whispered about by the family I'll see that I know don't much care for me or for my sisters.) but Saturday and Sunday we'll do what we can before I fly home on what I expect to be a very long Monday (my flight here took so much out of me that I was running a 100 degree fever for almost two days after.....I am not the best traveler in the world, especially when it comes to time changes).
Nonsense, all of this; I just had a strong desire to sit down and write. Write to myself, for myself. So many things regarding my life that need to be thought about and attended to. This didn't even do the job but it is enough and I feel a bit sleepy again. I can sleep for another couple hours before I need to get up for the day. That is, if I can stop worrying about where the closest Super Target is. One thing I don't love so much about the East Coast: In Utah we have nice, not run down, stores on every corner. I see malls here and there, and shopping centers but unless we are in a really nice area everything has a name I don't recognize and they all seem as though they've been there for half a century (the malls are a million times better though). I hate that we have to drive forever just to get to a store I know and I hate that I don't know where I am nor can I see where I'm going with all of the trees (but I love them anyway, I feel like I can breathe here). To bed.....more to say another time. Perhaps I will post a picture because what the hell.....I just know when I do I'll lose the enjoyment as a write with no face. I could be an ugly hag and you would never know and once that picture is up I'll just be another normal person. Ahhh well, decisions to be made another day, and ones that are less important then others that should come before it.
