Sleep Don't Weep

My favorite thing about mornings with him is the lazy, laid back, comfortable feeling we have during this time together. Alarms go off, blaring advertisements in our ears, yet we just turn it off and snuggle back down, ensuring that we will be at least 15 minutes late to work. I roll over and curl up on his shoulder, his arms wrap around me, and I bury my face into his neck and pretend that we don’t have responsibilities or jobs. Sometimes he will snuggle up behind me, his hands making a trail up and down my stomach, and I turn my neck just enough so he can kiss me while we fall in and out of sleep. After showers there is always that moment when we walk past each other while getting ready for the day ahead and we just stop our movements for a long kiss and a smile. As long as it isn’t a Monday morning we are always in a good mood and most mornings there will be echo’s of laughter as we joke and tease. As soon as we step out of the house everything turns into work mode but I like to think that he carries the warm fuzzies around all day just like I do; when he smiles at me I’m very sure that he does.

I must have been too close in the bathroom because I smell like his cologne. I keep turning my head expecting to see him there behind me.

There is something about his smell; the smell of his skin mixed with soap and cologne. He never stinks, even after he works out or plays sports. His room always smells fresh, like laundry soap and a little bit like sleep.

Would You Like A Side of Cheese?

I spent the weekend throwing up any food or liquid that could possibly have been inhabiting my body…..and then throwing up any particles that may have been in the air and carelessly trickled down into my stomach. A day off of work to lay in bed and vomit continuously isn’t exactly the vacation I’ve been trying to cash in my karma points for. I learned, after my 10th trip to the bathroom, that every time I actually move in any way, it initiates the puke fest. So it was a long weekend trying not to move at all. When I was finally able to get out of bed I checked my body and to my overwhelming surprise there were no bed sores….anywhere. I was sure that 48 hours in bed would result in injury, but alas, it did not. I am still hungry though. I’m building up to my regular caloric intake and in the process I feel as though I am starving constantly.

My treat to myself for spending a weekend worshiping the porcelain God was to go out and promptly get drunk. Smart idea? Seemed so at the time…..

I'm Sorry You're With WHO?

This post is going to sound so selfish of me so let me put up a disclaimer:
I respect work. I love work. I need my space when I work. I never ever ever EVER get offended or upset at “him” when I try to IM him while we are working and he doesn’t respond or completely forgets things he has agreed to throughout the work day. He has forgotten plans and made other plans because he doesn’t always pay attention because he is BUSY. I understand that. I feel the same way and it is never an issue like it has
been with other girlfriends. /end disclaimer begin selfish bitch fest

I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY hate that the one day a week we take a lunch break together he takes work calls while we are at lunch. The instant we get in the car he’s calling people, scheduling things, reading emails etc. THIS IS MY TIME! Seriously. People go to lunch. If he isn’t answering his work line and he hasn’t responded to your email it means he’s probably busy! Or, wow, between the hours of 12:00 and 1:ish he isn’t around. Really? Wonder why. I’ve been to lunch with him and other friends at the same time. He would never take a call in the middle of a conversation with them because it was for work. No…he would wait until he was back in the car, with me, and THEN call them back. Because, you know, it would be so hard to wait the five minutes until he is back to his desk to call them back.

Days like this it REALLY irks me. Usually I brush it off. I’m just happy to be with him for an hour during the day but today, during lunch, is the last time I will get to sit and talk with him, be with him, before he leaves for a long weekend. His plane leaves tonight right after work and I won’t see him again until next week. This lunch was for us. And how does it end? It ends with me in the middle of a sentence getting cut off by him just picking up his cell phone and incoherently mumbling something to me while he stands up and promptly goes to pay our check. He then proceeds to talk on the phone all the way back into the office without so much as a second glance at me. This was my goodbye? He couldn’t wait a few minutes to talk? I know what he does and I know that sometimes you just have to take a call….BUT there are better ways to handle it. Especially when this is your sappy girlfriend's going away lunch with you. I’M GOING TO MISS YOU, YOU STUPID IDIOT!!! I want to see him. I want to talk to him. What I don’t want is to walk of a restaurant with a guy who has totally forgotten that I exist and not even so much as a “sorry, I have to take this I’ll call you after work” or “I’ll IM you when I’m done and you can finish your sentence (for once)”. It is so hard and I know I’m being an insensitive, selfish partner when I complain about it but I REALLY HATE IT! I deal with everything else give me this one thing for Christ’s sake!

Phew. So I’m a bad girlfriend. I suck. I get even more annoyed when he doesn’t apologize for this specific action. Someday, when I grow a set of balls, I’ll just tell him that “if it’s so important you can’t call them back then you sure as hell better apologize for being an ass. Work calls….literally, but you don’t have to forget all of your manners OR the fact that you won’t be seeing your girlfriend for 4 days. Have some sympathy and try to put yourself in my shoes. I’m understanding 99% of the time, give me this”. The complaining is really wasted breath (or uh finger work) because work is work is work and if I am going to bitch about the attention he doesn’t give when we take lunches together he’ll resolve it by not taking lunches with me at all and keep our personal time to after work, it would make sense if this is such an issue; that is what I might do in his position. Or maybe I could just say, “Hey, I know it’s work and all, but when you cut me off without saying a thing so you can answer your phone I’d really appreciate an apology after the fact, even though you weren’t being intentionally rude”. Is that too much to ask?

Sometimes men and their work obsession/dedication/obligation really really sucks ass. Pretty sure you CAN be top employee even IF you continue to display manners in personal/social situations.

Drinking, Smoking and Shoes OH MY!

I couldn’t tell you what, exactly, I watched on television last night because I was fully hammered by about 9:00. I know I watched the new show about the hot man who picks between an older woman and a hot younger woman (they older ladies, for the most part, are WAY hotter FYI, some of them just wear too much makeup) while I started to get drunk and made my signature dinner, chicken and rice, and I know that before I teetered off to bed, alone, I watched the EXCLUSIVE interview with Price William and Prince I can never remember his name. The inbetween part I’m just not so sure of. I DO know that I drank 3 Heinekens (that I bought at the scary gas station that is within walking distance from my apartment) and maybe about 4 glasses of wine during and after dinner. I smoked one PERFECT cigarette on my porch and by the time I was done I was literally spinning. I, of course, had to rid my mouth of the smoke taste with another glass of wine but I was smart enough to realize that I was way to wasted to drink more (after a few sips) and I promptly DUMPED IT OUT! I wasted an entire glass of perfectly perfect alcohol. Ouch. But the only other option was to bring it to bed with me and that never ends up very well the next morning when I wake to find an empty glass on the pillow next to me and a stained shirt on the floor.

I erased the negative paragraph I had written here and instead I’m filling it with shoe whoring *gush* I’m so in love with the following shoes:




The red ones....seriously. I just orgasamed.











The black? I just proposed to these because they are so sexy I want to be with them forever and ever!





Because who doesn't need an adorable and funky pair of cute flats? I don't know a single person. Even me, the woman who would sleep in stilettos if I could, LOVES the flats with the right pair of jeans or a cute calf length summer skirt.

And that is that....I'll be done shoe whoring.

Just be grateful I didn't bag spam you all! There were some AMAZING bags online...but they ranged from 500 to 700 dollars so I gave up any hope of having one anytime soon. Maybe for Christmas....or my birthday....hmmmm.....

Oh and the stuff going on lately.....my car broke down. It is practically new (okay 2001 new) and I have to replace the engine. My warranty claim was denied for a new one months ago so we worked around it and thought it was fixed but then randomly one day it just died. FUCK! Since its a few grand to fix it I've just been a bum....a big fat bum. I hate it!



*happy faces* And they lived happily ever after with no car but sexy shoes the end

Which Fruit Are You?

So I’m an apple, and he’s an orange….or rather we are both supposed to be apples, together, but he is pretending he’s an orange. Denial or something like that.. All in all it was confusing and I told him he could pretend to be an orange if he wanted to, it was okay with me. At least we’re both fruit. Sometimes it feels like I’m an apple and he’s a computer chair……

The question is….will we still be apples (even in denial) 3 months from now?

Ahh the unanswerable question….What if it doesn’t work out?

He is so much of my happiness lately. When I see him it makes me want to be happy. When I’m with him it is easier to remember the other reasons I CHOOSE to be happy. Being with him is wonderful. It isn’t always easy and it isn’t even always fun, it’s just, there. It’s normal. I do normal things with him and that is fun for me, for us. I’m tired of the what if being thrown in my face. What if we work? What if it’s always amazing? That is a what if I’m not ready to write off. I think he should consider adding it to his list of what ifs as well.

Shame On Me

Bad friend bad writer bad things right now.

So sorry. Not dead, not forgetting about you, still reading...just...not writing.

Two Things...

Does anyone know where I can locate an IV for pure caffeine while still getting the delicious flavor of coffee in my mouth?

I am getting tattoo's of my eyeballs on my eyelids so I can sleep while I work.

Sex Me Book Style

I’m 90% hot librarian today and 10% “too lazy to wake up early enough to dry my hair and curl it”. I’m working the sexy ultra high black suede stilettos with a great below the knee flare out skirt that makes my legs look sexy, especially with the fabulous tan I acquired sleeping by the pool all weekend, and to complete the entire ensemble my hair is, of course, pulled back, but in two cute little curly headed buns on the top instead of one boring one. If lip gloss counts as makeup I’m wearing that…..but like I said, I have a great tan and when I’m tan makeup is optional, my skin is very nice to me that way. P.S. Can you tell that when I have man trouble I need to make myself feel better by convincing myself how sexy I am? ha, but not really ha because I'm serious....we do what we gotta do.

I didn’t end my not relationship. I DID tell him how I felt (minus saying that word that starts with L but close enough) and that I have been constantly stressing over our lack of commitment but I did know how he felt about it all (he doesn’t see it working out long term so why start when it will just end-his words not mine). I didn’t cry. I did tell him that I knew I was amazing and that I’m staying because I’m not ready to let go of it but that I do deserve to be with someone who will commit to me. He didn’t actually say a single word. He did kiss me softly after I’d finished speaking (the lights were out and we were in bed already). And that was that. It was enough for what I need right now and we will see how things progress (or don’t progress since the goal is to end it) over the next few weeks.

It’s draining and I hate hearing what I should or shouldn’t do so be nice okay. I know, believe me I know. There isn’t a bone in my body that doesn’t know what needs to be done and if I were my own best friend I know what I’d tell me…..so, just be nice and don’t make it harder for me than it already is. kthanksbye

The Things I've Been Needing to Say But Couldn't

Amazing Friday night with "him". He was so sweet with my friends and family and so affectionate. It was like we were real.

And now I'm crying because I know what I have to do and I hurt so so so much. I can feel my heart clutching, trying to deny me this, but I have to. I am too smart. I am a woman who has been through so much heartache and I know what this is and I know what this is not.

If he doesn't get my voicemail and call me back soon I won't be able to say it tomorrow. I'm ready now, I'm ready and it hurts and it took a lot of self evaluation and tears for me to get the courage I've needed. I NEED him to get that message and somehow know that I need to see him NOW and that it just can't wait. I wish that he can hear the tears I was hiding. If I don't do this now, when I'm ready, who knows how much more hell and aching I'll put myself through before I have the courage to say it again another day.

I need this. Now. Right now I'm ready to move on. Well not ready, but I know that I have to, he's given me no other choice, no matter how much he cares about me and no matter how perfect we are when we are together. No matter how jealous everyone might be that we each found someone who understands and accepts each others lifestyles, no matter how many people see us and say that we feel perfect. None of that matters in the long run.

*insert music lyrics or some nifty title*

Token post before the weekend.

I haven't been shopping in weeks. Yes, real actual weeks. It makes me throw up a little in my mouth because it is so pathetic. I almost cried when I tried to find something to wear to work today. If I burn my closet up will my house insurance cover it all? Hmmmmm.....

Do I really need to buy groceries instead of shoes? And jeans, oh jeans.....my ass and I are actually in a fight right now because I put it in the same pair of jeans too often. Why can't it be like my boobs that just appreciate when I buy a new $60 bra every year (seriously I take good care of that shit it lasts longer than Ron Jeremy). Maybe we need to see counsling? I wonder if Nordstrom offers ass counsling....Hmmmmm......?