Gone Going Gone

I'm crushed.

Who knew we'd begin the weekend by ending our relationship. Although I was hurt much more by this than he, we both sat in disbelief for a moment when we realized that there would be no more snuggling. No more wonderful mornings. No more nook; the place where I fit so perfectly. It's just over and done and the tears won't stop coming. I know they don't help but I can't help them. They fall when where wherever they feel like it and today they have no boundries. Although I always knew it would hurt me I never expected to sob this way when it finally came to a screeching halt. One minute we're sleeping naked in the bed, curled up next to each other, sleeping late into the morning; the next I'm crying and asking him to stop telling me that he doesn't know why he just doesn't see himself being with me forever.

I'm hurting so much right now. Being with him is the only thing that has kept me sane during the difficult times I've been going through. Apparently it was all just too much. Too much stress too much pressure. He found himself thinking not only of himself but of he and I together and he lost it. I suppose I pushed for the breakup to actually happen. He is no good at this sort of thing. He has said more than once that the reason we've been bumping heads a little more often lately is maybe because we've been spending too much time together. When he almost suggested that I don't stay over after dinner on Friday I just lost it. I told him that things just don't move backwards because he is stressed out. He asked what I'd do if I was in his position (the position being one of self contemplation) and I told him that I'd talk to the person I was supposed to care about instead of shutting them out. This was on the phone and we decided to go out for dinner and then talk about it all a little later. Neither of us was really planning on ending it. Even this morning we talked about stopping by some friends on our way back to my place. That didn't happen. It won't ever happen again.

This is such a huge loss for me. Even though I half way expected it to happen sooner or later I always thought it would be later...not sooner.

A year...in just one more month. I still have texts that I've saved throughout the months of him telling me how much he missed me when he was away or how wonderful our morning together was, of which we had many.

I will miss him, every little thing about him, more than words can even explain. But...I still have to see him every.single.day. This is going to be so very hard to do.