Seeing Red

I’m can’t deny it to myself any longer; I’m in a bad way financially. I have a lot of excuses. A lot of car repair bills, an ex-husband who fucked me over before our divorce was finalized (note to self: NEVER co-sign even if you love someone), blah blah. Mostly though I’m just stupid. I’m stupid and I spend money when I get depressed. And I’m stupid.

I was walking into work today and I stopped dead in my tracks and said out loud to myself, “you are so fucked. What the fuck were you thinking?!” This is reality. I’ve been living in lala land the last little while, watching my bank account drain completely out every single pay period, not paying anything at all (except for the huge interest payments) on ginormous bills and not putting a single penny into a savings account that will enable me to get back on the road again. This month I sat down and pinched my funds down to a huge negative amount and somehow got my rent paid.

I’ve always said that them most unattractive quality in a man was financial instability. Someone who struggles to pay their bills every month is not what I want. And now, here I am, fully admitting that I’ve done the most pathetic thing ever. I have done so many stupid things with my money that I have slowly dug a hole in my account and I’m not sure how exactly to get out. I know that I can just chip away, slowly, piece by piece, but even that won’t really cover it. I need about 5 grand to fix it all.

I guess this is when I get a second job and work graveyards in addition to my already grueling work hours? Sometimes you just have to suck it up, admit you made a mistake and learn the hard way. Yep, that is me. I am making a promise to myself that when I get this all figured out I will have truly learned my lesson and turn my bank account into what it was 1 year ago. Someday I will be able to buy my designer jeans and expensive shoes again. Someday I will have my shit together.

Someday. Until then I’ll be piss poor and try to be happy with it.