Crying Shame

Last night a very drunk me gushed to “him”, and I quote, “I like you. A LOT! I like you as in I would vote Republican if you really wanted me to. I’d even go to church for you.” I told him not to say anything because I didn’t want to know what he thought or how he felt because I am not sure that he feels just the same. He didn’t say anything. He just kissed me softly and we curled up and went to sleep. I also cried during Grey’s Anatomy. That wasn’t the first time I had cried that day either. I cried a lot. I think if I was middle aged I’d qualify for a mid life crisis. Crying is okay. I have to remind myself of that. And what’s more, it’s 100% OKAY to cry in front of the man who might as well be your boyfriend. (aside: according to the dictionary he IS actually my boyfriend /aside). I don’t know why it’s so hard for me. Maybe because I feel as though crying is my weak link to the past. My fears about never being good enough…for anyone. So I sobbed in the car and although I thought I was done I cried silently while we lay on my bed. Me with my head buried in his shoulder, he with his arm wrapped loosely around me gently rubbing my shaking back. I guess we made it through alright. I held it together long enough to let him fall asleep so I could cry stupidly at a stupid story line (note: not this weeks episode LAST weeks. I still haven’t seen this week…..) on a stupid television show that I’m addicted to. Before the tears and him sleeping I was shouting at the television knowing that McDreamy was probably listening intently to every bit of advice I had. We also came to the conclusion that we definitely would have a threesome with Addison, but he couldn’t touch her….okay he could touch her butt…for five Mississippi seconds.

I guess I should have expected all this emotion. Or maybe I shouldn’t have. Either way I didn’t, so it is all a big surprise to me. Maybe it has something to do with being back on birth control for the first time in a while. Maybe it was the recent anniversary of the day my ex husband “decided he didn’t want to be married anymore”. Maybe I’m just stressed. Maybe I need to smoke more weed. Maybe I need to take less Xanax. Maybe being referred to a Urologist because I can’t pee without pain is just really difficult to swallow and it is therefore affecting every other aspect of my life, especially my tear ducts (or pee ducts....or something).

Actually the REAL reason I’m upset is probably because my new closet doesn’t fit all my shoes and that was always such a delight; opening my large beautifully painted closet doors to reveal dozens upon dozens of fabulous shoes that I am very much attached to (and not only in a literal sense). Whatever the reason, am just thanking any conceivable God that it is finally Friday.

My very best friend in the entire world is getting married in one week and one day. This means I have two choices. I can A) Starve the love handles off. OR B) Eat more so I actually grow into my belly pooch. I guess I could also take the UFC way out and duct tape my clothes shut so air can’t get out, get in a sauna, and then ride a stationary bike until I drop 15 lbs. How is it that I can fit into a size 4 and STILL have this ridiculous belly fat? I guess I am going to have to work out or something. Maybe we haven’t been having enough sex lately which would account for the tears AND the extra blubber. Money can’t solve everything and honestly shoes can’t either (did I really just say that? I AM havinga crisis!!!)although they come pretty damn close (phew, better); sex can. Sex does. Sex with someone that you care about. With someone that you like enough to vote Republican for and even go to church for. A stupid church that likes to make a lot of rules. That is a lot of liking, I’m not so sure about it all……