3

A lot of time has passed since the day in my life that changed the path I thought I was meant to take. 3 years now and, yeah, it still hurts sometimes. It isn’t easy to move forward from something you can never truly understand and I struggle even though I do my best to hide it. The part that hurts the most though is the part of me that hurts for that girl. That scared girl who didn’t know what she was going to do. Remembering how she curled up in a ball in the middle of a room that she didn’t want to be in, and sobbed. The only thing that was going to stop the crying was to have him back telling her that he loved her, that he made a mistake. Those words came, but not when I needed them and not before I had moved on. “On” enough to know that I didn’t need or want him anymore. Over time I have had days when I didn’t think I would make it. It’s funny the way life comes crashing down on you and all of the emotions you thought you never had to deal with anymore wash back into your life, into your heart. Every time I go through those hard times it seems like bits of rocks and dust are left embedded in my heart and no matter how much I try to forget…forgetting does not clean them away. I suppose there is some kind of healing that “only time” can promote and while 3 years seems like an awfully long time I know how fast it has flown by.

I’ve told people that I hate him. And that is true in some ways. But every time I try to sort that hate out within myself I get angry and confused. What do I hate? I hardly remember my day to day life with him. I have memories that make me hate him and I will admit that I’ve chosen to forget the good things, for the most part. I remember driving home from work, during a time at the end of our marriage, and I would cry. I didn’t want to walk in those doors. I didn’t want to see him and feel the pain that came with loving him. I was trapped and I didn’t think I would be able to ever get out. I dreaded life. I dreaded every moment of every day knowing that it would go on forever. It didn’t matter what I did, he could find something that was wrong with me. I didn’t matter how hard I tried, it would never be good enough. I hate him for how much I hated myself because he didn’t love me. I feel that hate even now because I don’t know if I’ve been able to forgive myself of all the mistakes I thought I made.

And…..I wonder if I’ll ever feel normal again. I wonder if I’ll ever go on a date and not think about being married, if only for a second. I wonder if I’ll ever cry and not blame him for those tears, no matter who or what caused them. I wonder if life will ever be rough without blaming him for it. Everything that bad that happens is his fault. Every bad day, every hard day, every sad day. No emotion is without him. Even when I feel happy I want to say, “Fuck you. See, I am happy, I am better off without you! I didn’t need you. I don’t need you.”. It’s silly to think those things because I am happy! And I’m better off and I don’t need him. What do I think I need to prove? Why can’t I just have a bad day because I have a bad day and a good day because it’s a good day? These are all questions that I don’t have answers to and I don’t know if I ever will. I just hope that one day I feel sad or angry and the next day when I wake up I’ve forgotten the sadness and I never feel that pain again.

I want to stop hurting for the part of me I lost when he left. No matter how much I heal I can’t ever get that back. I will never forget the way the way the carpet felt on my skin as I lay there crying. I don’t know how to forgive him for that. No one should ever have to have that memory.

I am approaching my three year “divorce” anniversary….and what would have been our 6 year wedding anniversary. As much as I want to pretend that I can forget about it I still think about it and therefore have to write about it. Because isn’t that what we do? Write.”

You're a Mess Kid

Yes I am, in fact, still alive.

My best friend got married Saturday. She was beautiful, the weather was beautiful, the wedding was beautiful, it was just a day full of beauty. I’d love to post a fabulous picture of the two of us but in trying to stay somewhat hidden from any real life friends or family I’m going to have to pass (not that the infomation I give wouldn't blow my cover anyway but I like to make a little effort). Of course, next to the bride, I had the best shoes by far ;).

So it’s done and she’s married. She’s so young and for her sake I hope everything works out the way we (as in we, women) always dream it will. Judging from their relationship now, it will. You couldn’t pick a better couple out by hand. You couldn’t INVENT a better couple. Time changes people but I like to think that they will change together. It seems to have worked that way for them in the past.

Marriage is a scary thing. People who’ve never been there before don’t know. Even living together isn’t quite the same. In fact a higher percentage of people who live together before they get married end up divorcing (wish I had a link for you all but I’m lazy). That just goes to show you that no matter how well you know someone, things, and people, can always change. 5 years ago when I got married I would never have placed myself here, divorced, living as the person I am today. For me divorce was good. It's better than a life with an emotionally distant and very hurtful man. I wouldn’t be an emotionally smart woman. I wouldn’t be as strong as I am today. I just wouldn’t be ME. Friends and family who knew me back then say that I am like two different people. I feel sorry for that woman; she was hurt and taken advantage of for years and never had the power or strength to stop it. It took him leaving for me to become the person I believe I was meant to be. It took weeks of a zombified existence and emotional despair.

I can remember the day it happened like it was yesterday. With no where else to go I had called my mom and she immediately began moving my things into their house, into my old room. Trying to find something to keep the tears from falling I began painting and decorating but when left alone I became a lifeless body sobbing on the floor. I remember calling him that night, crying, begging him to think about what he was doing. I remember him hanging up the phone while I cried. I still can’t understand how someone could honestly think they loved another person yet treat them that way. This same man is the one who begged and sobbed himself months later trying to undo the biggest mistake of his entire life. The peace I felt after refusing to try again (each and every time I had to tell him no) was all the reassurance I needed. I hurt and to see him hurting as well was heart wrenching. Unlike him I had feelings and it hurt ME to hurt him but I knew I was a better person without him. I knew that I deserved someone who loved me and that I’d rather be alone than stay married to someone who cheated and lied for years on end. It’s a decision I’m glad I was able to make and I still stand by that choice. It is much better than always feeling like he made my decision for me. In all reality he just made MY choices easier by walking away first.

I’ll never forget those months of hurting. I’ll never forget the pain I felt. Ever. How can you? It is hard now because I tend to look at all relationships in a very pessimistic light. Actually, I’ve yet to be in a REAL committed relationship since my divorce. This thing that I’m in now doesn’t quite count because neither of us is willing to step up and ask for more. I can’t do it because I don’t want to hear rejection. If anything I would just walk away. But I won’t do that because there is SOMETHING keeping me with him. Maybe it’s the way we talk about the future; not marriage and family but more like our plans a few months from now, the little things that quitely say we will still be together. I’m unsure. He’s stubborn. We’re difficult. This relationship is a complete mess at times. But………I know what something wrong feels like and this isn’t it. I know what it feels like to be in bed with someone who doesn’t want you there and this is not it. I know what lies sound like, even from him, and I don’t hear them anymore. I know how it looks from the outside but how can I do what everyone says I should do when I’m the only one who knows how it feels? If anyone wants to avoid hurt and pain it’s me. I would walk if I was afraid of how this will end, I really would. Time will tell I suppose. If I’m right then time will show us that we have something together and we’ll make the choice to pursue it. If I’m wrong then I have no regrets. It won’t go on like this forever. It can’t. But until I’m ready to take another step forward we can just stay how we are. On a day when I get angry like I was a couple weeks ago I’ll eventually blow up and let all my emotions out. That will happen when I’m ready to face the consequences no matter what they are. I guess it’s my decision. I like knowing that I am making the decisions, that I am in control.

And now I’ve rambled on for many paragraphs in a post that is nothing but a slew of thoughts strung into a very messy blog. Sometimes I like it like this. Messy. My blogs and my relationships but NEVER my shoe collection.

Crying Shame

Last night a very drunk me gushed to “him”, and I quote, “I like you. A LOT! I like you as in I would vote Republican if you really wanted me to. I’d even go to church for you.” I told him not to say anything because I didn’t want to know what he thought or how he felt because I am not sure that he feels just the same. He didn’t say anything. He just kissed me softly and we curled up and went to sleep. I also cried during Grey’s Anatomy. That wasn’t the first time I had cried that day either. I cried a lot. I think if I was middle aged I’d qualify for a mid life crisis. Crying is okay. I have to remind myself of that. And what’s more, it’s 100% OKAY to cry in front of the man who might as well be your boyfriend. (aside: according to the dictionary he IS actually my boyfriend /aside). I don’t know why it’s so hard for me. Maybe because I feel as though crying is my weak link to the past. My fears about never being good enough…for anyone. So I sobbed in the car and although I thought I was done I cried silently while we lay on my bed. Me with my head buried in his shoulder, he with his arm wrapped loosely around me gently rubbing my shaking back. I guess we made it through alright. I held it together long enough to let him fall asleep so I could cry stupidly at a stupid story line (note: not this weeks episode LAST weeks. I still haven’t seen this week…..) on a stupid television show that I’m addicted to. Before the tears and him sleeping I was shouting at the television knowing that McDreamy was probably listening intently to every bit of advice I had. We also came to the conclusion that we definitely would have a threesome with Addison, but he couldn’t touch her….okay he could touch her butt…for five Mississippi seconds.

I guess I should have expected all this emotion. Or maybe I shouldn’t have. Either way I didn’t, so it is all a big surprise to me. Maybe it has something to do with being back on birth control for the first time in a while. Maybe it was the recent anniversary of the day my ex husband “decided he didn’t want to be married anymore”. Maybe I’m just stressed. Maybe I need to smoke more weed. Maybe I need to take less Xanax. Maybe being referred to a Urologist because I can’t pee without pain is just really difficult to swallow and it is therefore affecting every other aspect of my life, especially my tear ducts (or pee ducts....or something).

Actually the REAL reason I’m upset is probably because my new closet doesn’t fit all my shoes and that was always such a delight; opening my large beautifully painted closet doors to reveal dozens upon dozens of fabulous shoes that I am very much attached to (and not only in a literal sense). Whatever the reason, am just thanking any conceivable God that it is finally Friday.

My very best friend in the entire world is getting married in one week and one day. This means I have two choices. I can A) Starve the love handles off. OR B) Eat more so I actually grow into my belly pooch. I guess I could also take the UFC way out and duct tape my clothes shut so air can’t get out, get in a sauna, and then ride a stationary bike until I drop 15 lbs. How is it that I can fit into a size 4 and STILL have this ridiculous belly fat? I guess I am going to have to work out or something. Maybe we haven’t been having enough sex lately which would account for the tears AND the extra blubber. Money can’t solve everything and honestly shoes can’t either (did I really just say that? I AM havinga crisis!!!)although they come pretty damn close (phew, better); sex can. Sex does. Sex with someone that you care about. With someone that you like enough to vote Republican for and even go to church for. A stupid church that likes to make a lot of rules. That is a lot of liking, I’m not so sure about it all……

On My Anniversary of a Different Kind

Today is a big day for me. On this exact day two years ago this is the conversation I had.

Jeff: I don’t know what to do.
Mel: (assuming he was talking about money as we were quite broke at the time): Don’t worry. I’ll get a second job, we are moving in a month into a much cheaper apartment, things will be okay hun.
Jeff: No, I don’t mean about money. *very long pause* I mean about “US” I don’t want to be married anymore.

Many tears. Much begging on my part. Him telling me to wait to call my mom until he had left. Me spending weeks sobbing uncontrobably in the blow up mattress he so graciously purchased for me when he took our bed, our furniture, and my heart with him to his new “bachelor pad”. I went to the doctor. I lost 20 lbs in one month. I Saw a counselor who taught me that anger was important and that I was better than groveling at his disgusting pig headed feet. I took Xanax to stop the panic attacks. I took Ambien so I could sleep instead of cry. I unsuccessfully tried to overdose on stupid pills and only succeeded in sleeping for 12 hours straight (best sleep ever….I can’t deny it). I screamed, I hated, I cried, I begged more for about two months. Then one day it hit me. He doesn’t care. He never did. He had affairs, he lied, he threatened, he put his friends and his play time ahead of me. He made me feel as though I was inadequate and I BELIEVED him. And the day I walked away was the day my new life began. The day I realized that I deserved more and that I wasn’t a failure was the day he realized he had fucked up big time.

It started with text messages telling me that he wanted to try and work on things when his lease was up 10 months from then (first sign of someone who doesnt' care; if he loved me and really wanted to make things right he would have done a lot more than text message and make promises for 10 months in the future). When I declined, the letters and tearful phone calls started. When I’d see him he would beg and beg and tell me how sorry he was. I was luckily smart enough to not go back and it was the best decision I have ever made. To this day he continues to lie. To me, to himself, and to his fiancé. He isn’t whole unless he can lie and now I am whole because of his lies. Those lies gave me the power to walk away.

Now I am happy. I spend my days with someone who makes me feel like the most perfect woman ever. I don’t ever look in the mirror when I’m with him and hate who I see staring back at me. With him I’ve learned what it is like to be respected as an equal. With him I’ve learned that I am worth more than what I had before. This relationship may not last forever but I know now what I am worth. I know that I am always worth more than what Jeff gave me. I am worth more than being humiliated and degraded.

I will never ever again forget that other life or allow someone to take mySELF away from me. I have the power and I will hold onto it for the rest of my life. What was the most terrible, hurtful, heart wrenching, painful, life changing experience of my life has given me a second chance and for that I’m am eternally grateful.

And for all you women out there…..here is the best forwarded email I’ve ever received. It means the world to me….

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
One friend who
Always makes her Laugh...
And one
Who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
A good piece of furniture
not previously owned by
Anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
A feeling of control over
Her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
How to fall in love
Without losing herself...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
How to quit a Job
Break up with a lover
and confront a friend without ruining the friendship

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
When to try harder... and
WHEN TO WALK AWAY.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
That she can't change
The length of her calves,
The width of her hips, or
The nature of her parents...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
That her childhood
May not have been
Perfect..but;
Its over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
What she would and
Wouldn't
Do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
How to live alone...
even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
Whom she can trust,
Whom she can't,
And why she shouldn't
Take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
Where to go...
Be it to her best friend's kitchen table..
Or a charming inn in the woods...
When her soul needs soothing... !

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
What she can and can't accomplish
In a day...
A month..
And a year...

If you know anyone who has gone through or is going through a heart breaking divorce, breakup, or just a hard time…tell them you love them today. Because I can tell you from experience that knowing you are loved regardless of what that stupid bastard has said or done to you can change someone forever. We all need love when we hurt, and even when we don’t.

In celebration of my comeback into the world of “Mellow” I’m am not going to buy shoes….but get very very very drunk and laugh….A LOT!