Would You Like To Cuddle With A Snot Rag?

I’m tired I’m sick. I’ve been sitting at my desk for 9 hours with my shoulders hunched up staring at my computer screen and wondering if maybe by hour 10 I’ll start working on these massive piles of work that adorn my desk. Sure, I’ve sent some emails today but I don’t know if that can be compared to REAL work. I don’t feel bad or guilty as much as I feel sad because this means that I’ll be here until midnight working on things that I should have done earlier in the day. In my defense I could have worked all day long and still had something to do at the end of the day, but, I digress.

I guess after this week…and last week…I should be thankful that I still have a job. If the IT department at my company decided to look up my internet history (which I assume they do on a semi regular basis) they would see hours of one website, be it LiveJournal, Wikipedia, Facebook, or, as it was today, Dooce. I’m reading all the blogs I never read. I’m clicking on all the links that show me oodles and oodles of pictures of babies and Chuck. I’m memorizing every word because….well because I’m sick and I’m angry that I can’t take these days off of work and I’M SICK!!! “I shouldn’t have to be here” I complain to myself. But I do have to be here…because I have work to do. But…but but but I’m not doing that work, or not very well, and though I blame it on the sickness the truth is I’d be really pissed off at myself this week.

I wonder if it is because I’m really angry at the raise I never get or if it is because I feel very petty when I think about the perks OTHER people at this company have available to them. Perks such as annual raises and quarterly bonus’s and weeks where they work on projects they actually care about. The past month I’ve slowly but surely lost any affection I ever felt towards this position and now I’m the bitter old hag who complains about work she lacks the motivation to start. I’m terrible. I fantasize about quitting and moving to San Francisco on an almost daily basis. I know that if I lived in San Francisco my job would be great and I probably wouldn’t have a cold that is now going on a week (with no sign of backing down).

Yeah, a week straight of LITERALLY not being able to push any air out of my nose unless some sort of mucus comes out first. If you are wondering how much mucus there is that drains out of my nose I’ll just share this little tid bit with you; I woke up this morning with tissue stuffed up each nostril (I did that in my sleep, now that is talent) and when I made my bed before work I found more than a dozen waded up pieces of tissue hiding beneath my covers and pillows (of which there are many). IN MY SLEEP!!!

I just erased 20 of my 29 voicemails and I’m hoping that the satisfaction I got from hitting the delete button so many times in a row, knowing full well that I hadn’t listened to a single word on any of those messages, keeps me sane enough to push through a few more hours of this place…and actually do real work. Real work that does not include Dooce archives.

Now I need a cherry coke (thank you God)

Need Schmeed

If you want me to do something it might be a good idea to NOT say, "I need you to have this by..." and then proceed to give me a deadline when you are neither, my manager, my co-worker nor do you even work with me at all.

The word NEED is a sure fire way to get me to ignore you, or anyone at all. I do my job and I do it well. I set the rules. I get to make the decisions. Someone can tell me what they THINK I should do or what they would LIKE me to do but the more they insist that I MUST do as they tell me my hearing simply shuts off. It's my way around here and I usually only make exceptions for people that I like, aka people that treat me nicely and with a little common courtesy.

That's all. Everyone be nice to people, you aren't in charge. Ever.

Wonderful World

This is absolutely one of my favorite songs from one of my favorite musicians. I highly recommend his (James Morrison) album. I'm posting a live clip because he really is amazing (and also because it wouldn't let me embed the one good clip of the video I found ha).

And....and things are just a mess right now so I'm working like a lunatic (15 hour days anyone?) trying to keep my mind focused on the important things. Like surviving. Life is SO much and rather than cope I work. I'm working, it has become my excuse for everything. And I rationalize the "excuse" because really I AM WORKING (no, really, I'm working right now). If I'm not at one job I'm at the other. Weekends? Working. Evenings? Working. Early mornings? Well...then I'm sleeping but I'm still in the office by 9:30 AM at the latest. I guess there are worse ways to avoid your problems. At least it results in the new jeans I found at Nordstom last weekend! I'll throw in a pair of shoes...just for good measure heh. What do you guys do when you are stressed, upset, or just trying to avoid life in general?



I've been down so low
People look at me and they know
They can tell something is wrong
Like I don't belong

Staring through a window
Standing outside, they're just too happy to care tonight
I want to be like them
But I'll mess it up again

I tripped on my way in
And got kicked outside, everybody saw...

And I know that it's a wonderful world
But I can't feel it right now
Well I thought that I was doing well
But I just want to cry now
Well I know that it's a wonderful world
From the sky down to the sea
But I can only see it when you're here, here with me

Sometimes I feel so full of love
It just comes spilling out
It's uncomfortable to see
I give it away so easily
But if I had someone I would do anything
I'd never, never, ever let you feel alone
I won't I won't leave you, on your own

But who am I to dream?
Dreams are for fools, they let you down...

And I know that it's a wonderful world
But I can't feel it right now
Well I thought that I was doing well
But I just want to cry now
Well I know that it's a wonderful world
From the sky down to the sea
But I can only see it when you're here, here with me

And I wish that I could make it better
I'd give anything for you to call me, or maybe just a little letter
Oh, we could start again

And I know that it's a wonderful world
But I can't feel it right now
Well I thought that I was doing well
But I just want to cry now
Well I know that it's a wonderful world
From the sky down to the sea
But I can only see it when you're here, here with me

And I know that it's a wonderful world
I can't feel it right now
I got all the right clothes to wear
I just want to cry now
Well I know that it's a wonderful world
From the sky down to the sea
But I can only see it when you're here, here with me

And I know that it's a wonderful world
When you're with me

~James Morrison

Workness

I scored 100% on my audit. Well this one anyway. In the accounting world this is a big contributor to our yearly increase/bonus. So that's what I've been doing the past two weeks.

If I Could

I suppose we all grieve in our own ways. Me, I grieve by eating Mac & Cheese for lunch every day and resorting to Bed Light instead of red wine. I comfort myself by shopping, of course, for shoes, jeans, more shoes, and other things that are bright, shiny and provide a distraction.

That’s the sum of what I’ve been doing for a week. Oh and reading romance novels. I started with obsessively watching Miami Ink….but the re-run marathon only lasted one night so I had to find bigger and better things to rot my brain on, so, we have the romance novels.

All in all I’m doing much better then I was. You know how it is when you break up with someone you thought you saw forever with…..the tears, the loneliness, and of course wondering if you should call or let him call, and when he does call do you go over or stay at home. And it all creates a big ball of drama that follows you around like a little black rain cloud. As I mentioned above I’ve been eating crappy food (when I eat at all) and drinking cheap beer. I rather enjoy it at times but it can get a little boring. My friends are there as much as I want them to be. Although…my best friend is married and while they are great for a 10 minute convo about it all, or a few hours of retail therapy they aren’t so good for the, “I need to get out and get drunk and be hit on by men I’ll never give my phone number to”. They tend to fall asleep on the couch after a few glasses of wine while we all watch re-runs of Seinfeld. Ahhhhhh well what do you expect.

At least I have this thorn in my side, called work, to distract me and hopefully cause me to spend less money on shoes and more fabulous jeans (though I had to indulge in one pair…and they’re amazing)..

Oh, move day again on Friday. I’ve only been at this place 3 months and now I go again. It’s better, this new apartment, it’s fucking fantastic. Huge front room, beautiful kitchen, fantastic hard wood floors, the list goes on. My bedroom….ahhh……..no longer will I be sleeping in a shoe box. I’ll have a closet that I can fit my bed in if I wanted which obviously means that I will FINALLY be able to fit all my shoes in the closet without pouring them in baskets or using the coat closet for backup. I also have a gorgeous deck off the dining room that is in the perfect spot for the sunset. I could go on about vaulted ceilings and cute little fireplaces but I need to get back to the daily grind.

I'm Sorry You're With WHO?

This post is going to sound so selfish of me so let me put up a disclaimer:
I respect work. I love work. I need my space when I work. I never ever ever EVER get offended or upset at “him” when I try to IM him while we are working and he doesn’t respond or completely forgets things he has agreed to throughout the work day. He has forgotten plans and made other plans because he doesn’t always pay attention because he is BUSY. I understand that. I feel the same way and it is never an issue like it has
been with other girlfriends. /end disclaimer begin selfish bitch fest

I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY hate that the one day a week we take a lunch break together he takes work calls while we are at lunch. The instant we get in the car he’s calling people, scheduling things, reading emails etc. THIS IS MY TIME! Seriously. People go to lunch. If he isn’t answering his work line and he hasn’t responded to your email it means he’s probably busy! Or, wow, between the hours of 12:00 and 1:ish he isn’t around. Really? Wonder why. I’ve been to lunch with him and other friends at the same time. He would never take a call in the middle of a conversation with them because it was for work. No…he would wait until he was back in the car, with me, and THEN call them back. Because, you know, it would be so hard to wait the five minutes until he is back to his desk to call them back.

Days like this it REALLY irks me. Usually I brush it off. I’m just happy to be with him for an hour during the day but today, during lunch, is the last time I will get to sit and talk with him, be with him, before he leaves for a long weekend. His plane leaves tonight right after work and I won’t see him again until next week. This lunch was for us. And how does it end? It ends with me in the middle of a sentence getting cut off by him just picking up his cell phone and incoherently mumbling something to me while he stands up and promptly goes to pay our check. He then proceeds to talk on the phone all the way back into the office without so much as a second glance at me. This was my goodbye? He couldn’t wait a few minutes to talk? I know what he does and I know that sometimes you just have to take a call….BUT there are better ways to handle it. Especially when this is your sappy girlfriend's going away lunch with you. I’M GOING TO MISS YOU, YOU STUPID IDIOT!!! I want to see him. I want to talk to him. What I don’t want is to walk of a restaurant with a guy who has totally forgotten that I exist and not even so much as a “sorry, I have to take this I’ll call you after work” or “I’ll IM you when I’m done and you can finish your sentence (for once)”. It is so hard and I know I’m being an insensitive, selfish partner when I complain about it but I REALLY HATE IT! I deal with everything else give me this one thing for Christ’s sake!

Phew. So I’m a bad girlfriend. I suck. I get even more annoyed when he doesn’t apologize for this specific action. Someday, when I grow a set of balls, I’ll just tell him that “if it’s so important you can’t call them back then you sure as hell better apologize for being an ass. Work calls….literally, but you don’t have to forget all of your manners OR the fact that you won’t be seeing your girlfriend for 4 days. Have some sympathy and try to put yourself in my shoes. I’m understanding 99% of the time, give me this”. The complaining is really wasted breath (or uh finger work) because work is work is work and if I am going to bitch about the attention he doesn’t give when we take lunches together he’ll resolve it by not taking lunches with me at all and keep our personal time to after work, it would make sense if this is such an issue; that is what I might do in his position. Or maybe I could just say, “Hey, I know it’s work and all, but when you cut me off without saying a thing so you can answer your phone I’d really appreciate an apology after the fact, even though you weren’t being intentionally rude”. Is that too much to ask?

Sometimes men and their work obsession/dedication/obligation really really sucks ass. Pretty sure you CAN be top employee even IF you continue to display manners in personal/social situations.

The Longest Day

Today has been the longest day ever. Work. It is neverending. I have been here for 10 1/2 hours now with no break and no lunch. I had a bagel and a rice krispy treat. Nice eh? I am covering for a million other jobs; people who are actually allowed to take vacation days. Not me, no. I take a day off and feel like shit for it. I come in sick and say I don't know if I can make it and am told that I need to hang in there because I can't go. Why do I do this for the money I make? Oh because I decided to get married at 19 instead of go to college. Sure I'm lucky. I make more than a lot of my friends do. Hell I make more than my mom does...but FUCK not enough for days like this.

I can't let it ruin my blissful evening last night. I just can't say what there is to say. I need to keep it to myself a little longer, just to savor it, to roll it around my tongue like a fine glass of red wine. It was something I never expected. I blushed. I teared up. I wanted to jump across the table and tell him how much I love him...but I didn't do that part, not yet. It was amazing.

Crying is the Refuge of Plain Women

Look internets…I’m sorry. I know I haven’t posted since mid last week. I have hardly even thought about you really. I was too worried about these things:

♥ Moving (which is almost done minus some chairs and my home desktop which only works on odd days, and sometimes not even then)
♥ Him coming home and having some really incredible *getting to (re) know you* ;) time
♥ Paying bills to stupid people whom, in my opinion, don’t deserve my hard earned money.
♥ Taking cranberry pills so I don’t pee blades (I was pretty sure you needed to know that part)
♥ Looking in my empty pantry and wondering how I was going to buy groceries when I have way more important items on the top of my list (new jeans)

So, after all of that I’m sure you understand. It would be hard not to I’d imagine.

Moving is stressful! It causes people to fight. It almost made me cry my one tear! Instead I saved that tear for last night and used it on something silly. I have all these weird ideas of how I should handle situations on my own instead of being the typical girl who can’t do it and has her man do it for her and it makes me rather stubborn to say the least. When he offers even the littlest bit of assistance I clam up and get upset and he gets frustrated because he just wants to fix it; but I can’t let him. And so….after some silence and my one tear he grabbed my hand and somehow it just worked itself out. I’ll be glad when this week is over.

Work is mad. It is the Mad Hatter himself! Meetings on top of meetings. Organic-ness, Gap and Non Gap. Confusion. We can’t write off discounts. Applications are giving errors. I have a mile high pile of paperwork and I can’t get out of a meeting long enough to take care of it. (and we all know that blogging really has to come before work when you’ve neglected your love for as many days as I have).. I’ve actually started filing things on my FLOOR because I can’t get the assistant to find boxes for me and apparently they are hidden deeper than Atlantis and God FORBID we just buy new ones. Not that there is anywhere to store them once I’ve filed them. Every inch of every spare area in this building is being used by other papers. We’ve been working on getting a secured storage unit for over a year. Yes, this is how it works in my world.

My tan is getting pretty kick ass tough. At least the important things in life are in line.

The Point Of This Post

Ew. Long day! What? You say it’s only Wednesday? Damn the days. I just don’t think Wednesday is going to work for me. Thursday (night) MAYBE but, no, Wednesday just won’t do. Could someone get to work on that? Do I need to email the Google help team? How about Tom from MySpace? Someone needs to get this day fixed A.S.A.P. Or you/anyone could get me drunk, that is essentially the same thing.

Sometimes I stay late at work just to enjoy the silence of my second home. Or really my first home since I’ve been trucking it between houses lately. Mine,his.mine.his.mine.his. Getting old. And, it isn’t really silent because once everyone leaves I turn my music up loud. As in very very loud. I like it that way. I stay late because I like posting from this computer rather than my personal one. The screen is better and it makes my blog look prettier when I can actually see it all at once without scrolling to the side heh.

Really though I AM working on a point to this post but it just isn’t happening.

I could talk about the family I haven’t seen all week. I feel bad about that one too. I could talk about how everything always feels so good with him when I want it to feel wrong. I could talk about how I need to laugh (so so so badly). I could talk about how broke I am from that spending binge I went on but that is just depressing especially since I have another week(end especially) until pay day and I’ve already committed to going out Thursday AND Friday. *crie* (aside: I love internets lingo when I’m bored. Deal.with.it./aside) We could talk about how much I love the () signs (too lazy to spell that word but not too lazy to write all this *ahem*). Or how long it has been since I've seen a movie at the theater. I really love to talk about things.......

So I suppose the point of this is that I have no point. And I can’t actually talk about ANYTHING because this is a blog and I’m writing not talking. Geez now I have to start from the beginning. FUCK.

Not About Love

The fabulous weather has put me in an un-me-like good mood! I love it! The only thing better would be actually laying out (essentially naked) in the sun getting some skin cancer. Just thinking about it makes me feel tanner, or, more tan I mean. Something like that.

My day has started off pretty normal, despite the great mood. I spilled coffee on my shirt because I forget I’m not allowed to wear white (when I do I inevitably spill on myself). I get all my work applications, of which there are many, up and running before my computer decides to “update” (whatever the hell THAT means) and needs to restart. Well….it’ll have to wait because I am just way too computer lazy to close, restart, and then reopen all of these incredibly slow running programs.

“He” is being awfully grumpy this morning which I just can’t understand. How are you grumpy when you are the one who slept in? Hell, he was asleep when I slipped out the door. So, because he got over an hour more of sleep than I did I just refuse to indulge his grumpiness. Having a penis does not entitle one to grump. Unless he is bleeding from said part I just won’t give in. So I’ll just avoid, and it can be his loss because aside from the original coffee stain (which cleaned up rather nicely) I look great today. The kind of great that doesn’t usually last until the evening but hey a couple hours of greatness is alright with me!

When I announced that I was too lazy to change the printer paper a coworker nodded and said, “don’t feel bad I have those days all the time”. Really? Well then I guess it is a good thing I felt no remorse whatsoever of my incredible paper laziness. I didn’t really need the paper I was printing. It was for someone else. If they wanted it that badly they could put some paper in the printer. I just didn’t feel like doing it. If I should have feel bad about it I’m in trouble. The last time I felt bad over my laziness was….well so long ago that it doesn’t even count anymore! Besides, it is warm out, why should I be paper friendly when I can just sit and watch the clock tick towards quitting time?

And since I’ve actually talked about anything even remotely interesting concerning my day I think I’ll take my leave. There is much more procrastinating to do. Also, I need to learn the words to every song on my Fiona Apple cd. See I’m not lazy at all!!!

Side note: Any typos are a direct result of the “update need to restart” alert that comes up on my screen every five seconds. Some might say it is more work to keep hitting “restart later” than it would be to actually restart, but my mind is made up.

EDIT: I should have known that spilling on myself would ruin the weather. HOW COULD I DO THAT?!?! Stupid stupid me.

I’m getting most of the lyrics down to a T. Also, I’ve won two games of hangman on my homepage. I am just about to read about how to tell if my guy is cheating on my (via IVillage). I’d better get to that…..