Down Again

I am beside myself thinking about two little packets that entice thoughts of how disrespectful men can be.

I should never trust them ever again. No matter how often they say they will always be honest they won't be. They can't be! It is against their nature to be honest. They will always lie and creep behind your back. And it will never fail to break me.

I want to believe that there are men out there who are good, who deserve my trust but honestly...there isn't anyone like that. Men just can't be trusted and if I can't trust them then it just isn't worth my time. It just breaks my heart again and again and I don't think I want to deal with this anymore.

I came out on top over the holidays. I have been feeling so amazing and so happy; I had almost forgotten what such happiness felt like. I'm depressed just thinking about how the depression has crept up again. It was this, and that, and a little of both together and now I just wonder how I didn't see what a narrow ledge I've been balancing on the last couple weeks.

And when will I be able to tell the difference between permanent and temporary happiness? When will my smile not rely so heavily on the few positive things in my life? Because when anything goes wrong it plunges me down again and I would rather stay depressed than deal with this up down madness that is like riding a vicious rollar coaster. I'm prompted to puke my guts out every time the ride ends....

Yet as I say that I pray for the day when I can up again....I so prefer it.