3

A lot of time has passed since the day in my life that changed the path I thought I was meant to take. 3 years now and, yeah, it still hurts sometimes. It isn’t easy to move forward from something you can never truly understand and I struggle even though I do my best to hide it. The part that hurts the most though is the part of me that hurts for that girl. That scared girl who didn’t know what she was going to do. Remembering how she curled up in a ball in the middle of a room that she didn’t want to be in, and sobbed. The only thing that was going to stop the crying was to have him back telling her that he loved her, that he made a mistake. Those words came, but not when I needed them and not before I had moved on. “On” enough to know that I didn’t need or want him anymore. Over time I have had days when I didn’t think I would make it. It’s funny the way life comes crashing down on you and all of the emotions you thought you never had to deal with anymore wash back into your life, into your heart. Every time I go through those hard times it seems like bits of rocks and dust are left embedded in my heart and no matter how much I try to forget…forgetting does not clean them away. I suppose there is some kind of healing that “only time” can promote and while 3 years seems like an awfully long time I know how fast it has flown by.

I’ve told people that I hate him. And that is true in some ways. But every time I try to sort that hate out within myself I get angry and confused. What do I hate? I hardly remember my day to day life with him. I have memories that make me hate him and I will admit that I’ve chosen to forget the good things, for the most part. I remember driving home from work, during a time at the end of our marriage, and I would cry. I didn’t want to walk in those doors. I didn’t want to see him and feel the pain that came with loving him. I was trapped and I didn’t think I would be able to ever get out. I dreaded life. I dreaded every moment of every day knowing that it would go on forever. It didn’t matter what I did, he could find something that was wrong with me. I didn’t matter how hard I tried, it would never be good enough. I hate him for how much I hated myself because he didn’t love me. I feel that hate even now because I don’t know if I’ve been able to forgive myself of all the mistakes I thought I made.

And…..I wonder if I’ll ever feel normal again. I wonder if I’ll ever go on a date and not think about being married, if only for a second. I wonder if I’ll ever cry and not blame him for those tears, no matter who or what caused them. I wonder if life will ever be rough without blaming him for it. Everything that bad that happens is his fault. Every bad day, every hard day, every sad day. No emotion is without him. Even when I feel happy I want to say, “Fuck you. See, I am happy, I am better off without you! I didn’t need you. I don’t need you.”. It’s silly to think those things because I am happy! And I’m better off and I don’t need him. What do I think I need to prove? Why can’t I just have a bad day because I have a bad day and a good day because it’s a good day? These are all questions that I don’t have answers to and I don’t know if I ever will. I just hope that one day I feel sad or angry and the next day when I wake up I’ve forgotten the sadness and I never feel that pain again.

I want to stop hurting for the part of me I lost when he left. No matter how much I heal I can’t ever get that back. I will never forget the way the way the carpet felt on my skin as I lay there crying. I don’t know how to forgive him for that. No one should ever have to have that memory.

I am approaching my three year “divorce” anniversary….and what would have been our 6 year wedding anniversary. As much as I want to pretend that I can forget about it I still think about it and therefore have to write about it. Because isn’t that what we do? Write.”