It's the (lack of) Effort

While my long weekend was nice, and most certainly relaxing (can we talk about how I watched Planet Earth all day on Saturday?), it wasn’t exactly what I had planned. I wasn’t going to celebrate Thanksgiving. I was going to get drunk every night. I was going to do my laundry. You know stuff like that. Wednesday night I came home to make a drink and I realized my brand new bottle of vodka was almost gone. Sadly I assumed it must have been me, I had a couple drinks the night before when I bought it so I guess maybe it didn’t go as far as I thought it would? No, my roommate’s boyfriend drank it. Then 15 minutes after the liquor store closed he came home and gave me some cash (not enough) and said he hoped I didn’t mind but that drink hit the spot the night before. So, who drinks all the liquor and then doesn’t say anything until after the stores are all closed for the next 24 hours? Him apparently and there went my plans for the next 3 days.

I got over it and spent a lazy night cuddling on the couch drinking really cheap wine. We slept in Thanksgiving morning curling up together keeping the warmth in and the thought of having to actually get out of bed and shower OUT. Life can be so incredibly perfect when you don’t make any effort at all. I was bribed into a Thanksgiving dinner with promises of MULTIPLE bottles of wine and while I hate the holiday I love the drinking.

We went on a date for the first time in almost a month. It was so nice. He can be so thoughtful (and still be such an idiot at the same time) and I love the nights we have like this, just the two of us. We talked, we laughed, we argued and I still love being with him. When we are curled up in bed whispering to each other and stealing kiss after kiss all the troubles we’ve had just melt away. He’s my best friend. We’re still together because we still want to be with each other. He isn’t sure and I know that. We have our off days and they aren’t easy for me to deal with. But, I love him, and if this break is what he needs then I’ll give it to him. He is the person I want to be with right now and I won’t walk away just because he’s not on the same schedule that I am. I’ll be sad another day I know. I’ll get mad at him. I’ll feel angry for his lack of commitment, I’ll write more posts about what a hard headed fool he is but he is something special to me and he helps me to be a better person on a daily basis. I hope I do the same for him.

Christmas is right around the corner. I hate it, loathe it, and despise it. Don’t even get me started on how incredibly cold it has been here!

*insert music lyrics or some nifty title*

Token post before the weekend.

I haven't been shopping in weeks. Yes, real actual weeks. It makes me throw up a little in my mouth because it is so pathetic. I almost cried when I tried to find something to wear to work today. If I burn my closet up will my house insurance cover it all? Hmmmmm.....

Do I really need to buy groceries instead of shoes? And jeans, oh jeans.....my ass and I are actually in a fight right now because I put it in the same pair of jeans too often. Why can't it be like my boobs that just appreciate when I buy a new $60 bra every year (seriously I take good care of that shit it lasts longer than Ron Jeremy). Maybe we need to see counsling? I wonder if Nordstrom offers ass counsling....Hmmmmm......?

The Good The Bad And The Ugly

Oh shoes, how I love thee….I finally found a pair of kick ass black heels that I’ve desperately needed for months. They hurt but they are oh so sexy. Kind of dominatrix sexy! They are from Aldo but I bought them on clearance and can’t find a picture on the web site…so just imagine them being very pointy and very tall.

This weekend my cute little ass got herself into her party pants and had some fun. Friday night was drinking night and we made quite an appearance at a small party with people named after beverages. I may have been under the influence but I was still sneaky enough to get friends to promise things they will regret the next morning. The final outcome shall be quite interesting.

In addition to out of control parties I think I realized one thing that I may have not been aware of before or maybe it wasn’t true until this weekend.

♥ I’m willing to give up a very amazing friendship with someone I used to date/sleep with because it bothers “him”. And I don't think I will regret it at all. I think it is very reasonable and I understand where he is coming from (that is the impressive part).

But in the exact opposite direction….I have recently re-opened my Match.com profile. I really really really have no idea why. Other than the lingering sickness at the bottom of my stomach that says I’m putting all of my chips on someone who may or may not ever actually realize how amazing I am and pack the baggage away permanently. Dating is hard enough when you have feelings for someone else and when you try to date (other people) without even kissing it gets awfully tricky. Really though putting my profile up was just a way to say to myself, “I’m not obsessed with someone I don’t have in my full grasp. I am open to new people” I didn’t actually intend to meet anyone on there as the usual man who sends me an email is really old (I'm up for older, but unless he has millions I don't want to plan a funeral next year)/unattractive/WEIRD.

But. Here is a good but. There is this one. Only one out of all the weird emails I’ve received. He is old enough but not too old. He seems calm, down to earth, comfortable, interesting, and most of all….attractive. We’ve sent a couple low key, yet introspective emails.. I feel like I am betraying the person I have feelings for but what else can I do? If we had a commitment then I wouldn’t be so afraid of spending my life alone……..that really is it because if I had to choose right now he would be the one I spend every single day with for the rest of my life. How is that for online honesty?

Confession of the day:
I’ve almost told him I love him about, oh, a hundred times in the past month. When things feel so good, when being with him feels like home, when thoughts of him bring a smile to my face how can I suppress my emotions just to protect myself? I do…but for how much longer. It isn’t as thought I WANT to say it. It is just there. It just wants to pop out like when I’m on the phone with my best friend and we are talking about her upcoming wedding and we both gush, “I love you so much” because I’m overwhelmed with my feelings…I don’t know how to stop them.

Spring is In the Air

You know the sex people talk about that actually causes one or both partners to literally lose all body function whatsoever? Including speech? We have that. You can't find that just anywhere. Go ahead and be jealous. It is my daily workout.

The thing I love about being drunk is that we can make out in public and it is totally okay and totally normal.

What a completly great and amazing weekend! I spent time with my friends, the kind that will last and last (the friends I mean). I couldn't have asked for anything more. Plus, I bought clothes and shoes. WARM is finally here!!! I love the sun. I'm working now, but I plan to leave and go for an amazing hike.

Deep down I have a crush on someone that I really shouldn't have a crush on. Just one of those things I never outgrow. With age it seems to be more prominent actually. I like these crushes. I know I'll never do anything with it and visa versa.

Can I just say that I LOVE knee length shorts that are so in season right now? Because I do. I adore them. I love tshirts and flip flops. I love hats and braids. I just love spring. We may have a few days until Spring actually hits but I'm loving the early hints.

Now I am out to take a long mellow, meandering, lovely walk.