Moving On - My Own Choice

It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but, I know that it was the right thing for me and I know that I was finally ready. Ready to accept. Ready to move on. It’s hard to admit that someone doesn’t deserve your love. To say that, although they make you happier than you ever imagined being, this happiness isn’t forever and, when you truly think about it, that happiness comes at a price because loving him caused my heart to break every day.

The last month has been miserable for us. The emotions have been overwhelming me and the last week has been particularly difficult. I used to be able to ignore the reminders of the future we wouldn’t have together, for one reason or another, and we always had such a wonderful time together. It hasn’t been so easy lately. I spend every day wondering what it would be like. Could I relax and enjoy the time I got with him?

I couldn’t keep wasting my time on a wish. In my heart I knew that, although we still went through the motions, we were never going to work out; if only because he had made his mind up about it long ago. For weeks I was sick inside just thinking about him. I just waited and waited for him to tell me that it was REALLY over and then actually follow through. Finally I asked myself why I was waiting for him to do the dirty work. I realized that he would probably keep me around until there was someone else and that final breakup would break my heart with an intensity that even I could not handle. "It is better to leave with my pride", I thought. And that is what I did.

It hurts, knowing that there will never be one MORE last night. I’ve had my “last night” more times than I can remember. I have prepared myself for this for such a long time and now that it is here I feel numb. It wasn’t like the other break ups when I cried hysterically and thought that I would never be happy again. No, this time I look forward to moving on in my life. For 2 years now I’ve wanted one person. I’ve done everything I could to show this man how much I loved him and how happy we were together. He never opened his eyes enough to see what I saw and all that energy was wasted. Perhaps I shouldn’t say wasted because I enjoyed our time together so much. HE is an amazing catch, if not a little loaded down with baggage. He is a good person and that is what counts.

I’m still amazed that I found the strength to admit for both of us that I could not continue doing this any longer. I will miss him but I know I did the right thing and I’ve finally allowed us BOTH to walk free. My step is lighter now but I feel that it comes from the emptiness in my heart. I could have spent my life with this person. Now I need to start over.....again.